More than six years ago I found myself at the bottom of a well facing a future that did not seem to exist. For whatever the reason my brain decided to declare war and I was the target. There were times when I thought it would never end and there were times when I though that maybe that would be for the best but the image of my child’s face reminded me that I was not just fighting for my sanity.

Going into the doctors office and hearing the words depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress disorder created more havoc than it brought any peace. Sure I now knew officially what I was dealing with but I had no idea what I was going to do. I was a working social worker so I had some understanding what each diagnosis meant but I had no clue what to do when these simple words jumped out of the paper into my brain.

I searched far and wide looking for that easy answer that was going to destroy those four simple words: depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress disorder but it did not exist and to be perfectly honest still does not exist.

There has been huge breakthroughs when it comes to pharmacology and psychiatry but this is not cancer but mental illness where there is no one cure all treatment. I went through electro convulsive therapy for my depression which did not work, I have taken what seems to be every medication under the sun to cure my diagnosis and it took forever before any proved to be effective long term. Throw in three hospital admissions that combined for over ninety days on a pysch ward, seven months of weekly therapy and a five year relationship with a psychiatrist who first declared me untreatable. Yep the bricks were stacked against me but in the end I am still here and that is what matters

As I look through the last six years there are a number of different elements that I believe were crucial in climbing out of the well

1. The reason to get better was not for my child but so I could be a better parent to my child

2. There is no “I give up”. Yes there were times where I screamed it to the heavens but finding that strength deep inside not only kept me going it showed me a person I had never seen before

3. Hate. I hated my doctor for labeling me untreatable and I would do whatever it took to prove him wrong. In the end it may have been the best thing that he ever told me.

4. Tired. I was tired of being tired of everything. I was tired of waking up to the blackness, I was tired of trying to smile, I was tired of trying so fricken hard to get through the day. I knew that fighting mental illness was a marathon and not a sprint so I would have to prepare my mind and body to get to the point where I could complete the race

5. Using what I have. Thankfully one of my favorite things to do is to write. Now I may not be the best on the planet and a ton of people have stated they do not like my brain to fingers style but I have my complete battle here on the web. I could go back and see what I did to overcome a problem, I could see the hell I have gone through and most importantly made it through and it gave me the chance to empty my brain allowing for peace and that all too welcome silence from the madness

6. Asking for help. I hate asking for help, heck I still hate asking for help but there were times when thankfully I realized I was getting my ass kicked and used those resources that I had. Moments in my darkness that could have so easily gone from bad to worse if I did not realize that the situation was getting completely out of hand. I will badmouth doctors, nurses and therapists but after the smoke has cleared I can see the difference that they made. Sometimes I needed to save myself from myself

My life is not perfect now that the madness has subsided but I feel in control of my life and that means the world to me. From all that I have been through I have emerged as a better person who finally realizes who they really are and for this I am thankful. The untreatable label is long gone and it is time for a new chapter. Hi my name is Terry and welcome to my blog