Running From The Pain
I avoid things that may cause trouble in life I do this by immersing myself in a project or projects that I can completely focus on and ignore the burning pain from within. My father died I threw myself into my college placement so I would not have to come to the realization that my life would never be the same. Problem is the hurt and pain and whatever else does not just disappear because you have chosen to ignore it instead it builds and builds until finally it comes rushing out and you do not have the choice but to deal with it.
For the last three plus years I have been on disability as my mental condition will not allow me to work especially in the field that I was in before I became ill. Now over the last three years I have been on over a dozen meds, been hospitalized three times and dealt with an onslaught of emotions and mental garbage but at the same time nothing has really been accomplished. I could go back to work tomorrow and maybe I would last a while if the mask stayed glued to my face but all of the old issues that I ran from before are still lying and waiting for the right time to come back out.
This website or blog or whatever it is on the surface looks like I am picking apart a piece of my soul to display to the world and this promotes an inner healing from inside my soul but the reality is there are limits and lines I refuse to cross for the simple reason being it scares the hell out of me. I am terrified of ending up in a bad place mentally where I will not be able to escape from. I do not want to open that back closet door for I do not what is waiting to jump out and get me. The problem is by being safe nothing is ever going to change.
I need therapy and more then likely a lot of it. Medication keeps me at a somewhat stable level and makes therapy possible but all the Effexor or Cymbalta or Seroquel or the new drug around the corner is going to be able to pick up the broken pieces of my past and put them back together. Take care
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i’m always scared thinking it gets worse before it gets better. thats why i like dbt for therapy. its not a talk based therapy. no dredging up memories. just managing illness. its supposed to be intensive therapy. if you want to check out the self help version
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
it’s what i was in IOP for and it has helped me change some self defeating habits and mindsets
During this past year since I started my blog with being open, I have become better with a lot of tough work and extremely painful work. It is like you get to a certain point and you have a decision to make. My experience is despite the pain, two hospitalizations, intense therapy, medications and stopping working that it has been well worth it.
In fact, at each hospitalization I was “expect” to return to my field of study and go on to earn a higher degree. This time both my psychologist and psychiatirst at the hospital were very encouraging and without prompting my psychologist offered to write a letter of recommendation. He is also a professor.
Only you know when it is time to take the next step. Don’t do it because you feel like you should. Do it because you want to, although there will be ambivalence. You have a lot to offer…don’t give up on you…others will miss out on a great person. I look forward for the day that both of us can enjoy who we are and be ourselves without shame and judgement.
Take care,
CC