It becomes a game after awhile where your job switches from trying to get better to keeping your butt off the psych ward. I know the signs that the doctors are looking for so I craft my answers to make sure that the criteria is not met. Someone from the outside looking in would say that I am only hurting myself and in a way I would agree with that but the other side of my brain sees ninety days spent on psch wars, three years of appointments with a mental doctor and a Canadian system that is suppose to be world class repeatedly fail to come through. Psych wards are not a lot of fun and when you deal with constant anxiety and trust issues there are times when it feels like hell on earth. I need to be able to control my environment and surrounded by a dozen plus people who are unpredictable is not exactly something that I would welcome so I fight to stay away from it.
I have a doctor appointment next week with my family physician who I have not seen in over three years since I went to him and said I was half away from throwing myself in the realms of the dead. I booked this appointment when I was in a better state of mind thinking that I should get all of the normal tests done to make sure the chemicals I have put into my body are not planning an evasion. Seroquel alone carries a diabetes risk so it made sense at the time to check on my inner workings. The problem now is the depression monster has reared its ugly head and all of the issues that come with it have appeared so I am trying to figure out how I am going to go through a full physical while keeping my coping mechanisms secret. How can I convince this man that I am not a danger to myself or others when I can barely convince myself.
I hate explaining self harm to anyone for it is such a difficult thing to explain. There is a line from the movie Girl Interrupted that goes “I hurt myself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside” and another part of that movie is when the main character is telling the doctor that she was not trying to die by overdose but just trying to make the shit stop. Suicidal thoughts are a pain to explain to doctors not familiar with my case as with my mental doctor I just have to say they are no different than the previous months and he just lets it go but telling a new doctor that the normal level is that they never completely go away and I do not remember the last time I went more then a few days without one is a whole new ballgame.
Over the course of this blog I have given a number of tips on how to deal with depression, borderline personality disorder, self harm, anxiety and what seems like everything else under the sun but maybe it is time for me to start taking my own advice. Maybe it is time to stand up and rip away all the masks that keep me safe and maybe it is time to realize that what I have been doing for the last few years is not working and instead of fighting the doctor figure out a way to get him on my side. Maybe it is time to stop living in the land of delusions and lies and realize that I am in trouble and I can not beat this thing on my own. All I know is that the person I am trying to save is not real and the one who deserves and needs the help is the real me not the version who is there for my protection for the only person who he is protecting is himself. My false self image needs to go away and my real self image needs to start on the right path to becoming a good and healthy human being. Take care
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It is VERY difficult to explain self-harm to people without them freaking out and immediately wanting to run you to a hospital.
I think you’re a brave person and I send you good thoughts. Take care of yourself too.
Awhile ago I quit smoking, as my Mum had cancer. My bff gave me a look when I announced this after I had quit for a week. I gave her a quizical look back, and she said, you'll quit when you are ready. She knew I was "not there yet". I'm smoking now…
I had the same thought about my prior therapy, I wasn't "there". Last year I found the *right* therapist, who was committed to my getting better, even when I struggled to have inspiration and hope, struggled to keep with it …and struggled to find the desire to accept and to change. Ultimately though, I was "there", and kept with it. I'm much more effective, and much less Miserable. I didn't "get" therapy in my 7 years prior, and all the research in the world didn't get through to me. My t'pist keeps telling me, you can't think your way out of this, you have to "do" your way out of this. Since doing was not something I had practice with with respect to my mental health, I relinquished some "control" to "faith" and "trust" in her abilities and let her coach and guide me. Not always, I'm pretty demand resistant and set in MY ways, but enough to make a big difference.
I really related to your post here, I wanted to beat my thing on my own….and I had little to no faith and trust that there WAS anything that could be done. Especially after the 7 years of therapy. And of course, I wasn't THAT bad off (how did I convince myself of that one???).
Best of wisdom to you. Take care. <3 BL