This is not going to be a nice post if you are triggered by anything that revolves around suicide, abuse, self harm or are particular sensitive it is good time to check out another post
I went to sleep in a rather good mood last night but ended up in a nightmare. One of those dreams where you are getting your butt kicked but in the nightmare your too damn small to fight back. In the dream I was cracked across the face with a bat and I felt one of my teeth come loose. So I woke up which was weird for normally when I am in a nightmare I am stuck there. Anyway I wake up and I felt something in my mouth so I spat it out and one of the teeth the dentist “fixed” was rolling around. Great now I am pissed for I went through a dental experience for nothing. Some how fell back asleep and not I am dreaming about the dentist and any built up feeling and insecurities have around the dental profession are being put up on the large screen of my subconscious. The alarm goes off at eleven and I am in a panic state about a half a step away from a panic attack so I find my meds and try to do whatever I can to keep my mind off the fact that it is spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Why was my alarm set? Because I have a dentist appointment today (which is now yesterday). So I take another dose of Seroquel and head off to the appointment. Get to the dentist and have to wait and the damn drugs I have taken are taking their sweet time showing up. Get called in to the appointment and its a new hygienist, great someone else I do not know touching me, and finally the dentist comes in so I tell him the tooth broke off in the middle of the night and I get that look that I am full of it. Hate to break it to you Mr. Dentist I have depression, PTSD, anxiety and a lot of it comes back to life when I sleep so I tend to grind my teeth on a constant basis. So the appointment ends and he fixed a small tooth in the back or something. The entire appointment I am doing my damnedest to disassociate and it did not work for the life of me as I was to pissed to find my happy place. I get home and see how the new blog is doing and it is not for whatever the reason Google is ignoring it again so we will just add something else to the pissed off about list. I decide to go to bed and maybe after a little nap I will feel better. Little nap turned out to be about four hours long and the entire time I was asleep my brain was focused on self harm. Images of razors and blades adding to the number of scars that cover my body. So I spent the last four hours trying to convince myself that the therapy I need at this moment does not include a sharp object the problem is nothing is working. Right now my brain is set on “Hell it can not make anything worse and a few moments of sanity is better then nothing”. So I figure I will write on this blog thinking that maybe all of the negative energy will be transferred out of my body into the computer. Can’t go back to bed in this state of mind as my brain is going to fast to sleep and Lord knows the nightmares are there just waiting for me. Tired of this. Tired of hoping that tomorrow will be a better day and knowing it is not. To angry to give up and the only thing that counts which is a promise to a little boy that I would always be there for him. This is not working either.
Related posts:
- Self Harm Awareness Day Continued
- When Things Went From Bad To Worse
- Bad memories wiped away with unique therapy – Article
- Happy New Years 2009
- Sunday Is The Best Day Of The Week
- Self Harm Awareness Day
- Self Harm Awareness Day March 1 2009
- Dentist = Anxiety
- A Mental Health Check Up
- Back To The Beginning
Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Ugh, dental "stuff". I used to grind my teeth, and got the "full of it look" when I told the dentist I ground through the bite guard in less than 2 weeks. Hope the blogging helps and that you can get some decent sleep. Really sorry your day is not going well. If you are open to it, and can do it, you may want to try doing pushups (on the floor or using a counter) until you can't do any more, then do some more after a bit– sometimes it helps me to get my anger out of my body. At least it takes me away from harmful things, and my arms are getting toned. I hear you about being tired, being mentally ill can be exhausting. I don't think the "gen pop" has any idea how much energy it takes. Take care <3 BL
Mate nothing I will say will help ya settle after your day, always amazes me how one event can trickle throughout taking your mood and your ability to cope with it… Sucks big time…hope by the time you read this its passed….
It sucks when nightmares follow you into waking life. I hope it’s passed for you.
sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. i have borderline too if you ever want to talk to someone who wont think you’re just full of it.
I’m so grateful that you’re writing. Please keep it up.
Oh I loathe the dentist. I need to go, after a years absence. Terrifying!
It’s strange that we often respond to physical and emotional pain, by wanting to hurt ourselves. It may be because it something that we have “control” over. The problem lies in that this is not the case. Self-injury is not a “normal” response. It also will spiral wildly out of control, with the results even leading to death.
I hope that you are better, if at least just for a day.