What do you do with those memories that will send you over the edge. Flashbacks that gently remind you that the monster is breathing on your neck waiting for you to falter. Anger pushed me forward for a long time that one day I would show those people that they messed with the wrong person. Fantasies of torturing these individuals would some how give me back the power and innocence that they stole from me but the problem was my conscious does not believe in violence and even on my most rational day I could not convince myself that this was the right thing to do. So I kept this little ball of hate buried deep in my soul but instead of hiding in the dark corners it fought for the light and grew. Most of the people from my past are dead but the monsters that they created are still alive and well for they live off of hate and fear. I need to figure out a way to separate yesterday from today and I need to figure out a way to stand up to the ghosts so the nightmares can finally be put to rest. I am not a little boy anymore who is powerless to the force that surrounded him, I have the ability to fight back if necessary and keep my safe from all outside attacks. I know this to be true but yet my mind can not believe it so the notion hangs in mid air waiting to be claimed. I hate you but I forgive you is the tool that will stop the pain. Right now every time a new memory or a flashback appears it is strengthening the past and putting holes in my well rehearsed plans. I need to take the power back. Take care.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder DSM Criteria
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I’ve got similar sentiments. They come and go in a flash and I’m left panting like a lion after the chase. Hair in my mouth, sweat in my glands and hunger in my stomach. No satisfaction and the desire to die lies down with me as I continue to hide in the towers of grass that are my only comfort.
There are theories that I’ve accumulated. Though don’t share much of it through the public channels. Maybe we can speak sometime.
I understand the hating giving you the power back, but I don’t understand how forgiving, at that point, gives you power?
For me, forgiveness happens toward the end of the healing cycle after remembering and feeling the pain, rage, terror, etc…and telling someone. To me, you can’t forgive until you know and own what you are forgiving them for.
Hi-
I struggle with forgiveness-I have never regretted trying to forgive someone though.
Mary J