This last week or so the urge to self harm has been at a peak for some reason. The thought just seems to be stuck in my head and then I fall asleep and take a wild guess what I dream of. This should be a warning sign to me that something is stirring in the depths of my brain that a monster is lurking.

I have spent a lot of time over the last few years trying to figure out why this negative coping mechanism is so strong in my psyche. I know that the relief from self harm is very short and the scar that remains is a constant reminder that this was a bad idea. Of course if I was completely honest with myself that I would realize that the root of the problem has to deal with control but when the razor hits my skin am I really in control or is this another way for the mental illness demon to inflict more damage on my fragile self.

The world is spinning out of control and the longer this goes on the farther away from stability I am. The goal at the moment is to figure out why my world is not behaving the way I want it too or least stay in a neutral position. All of the meds that I am on should have this problem in check but that is not the case. The Effexor is helping but I guess not to a level that is really helpful and the longer that I am on Seroquel the more my body becomes accustomed to the zombie effect. I wonder if an increase in both of these meds would realign my world.

I would love to say that the longer you abstain from self harm the easier it gets but at least in my case that would be a bold lie as the current thoughts and dreams are making clear at the moment. I have not cut in a few months possibly longer but this nightmare seems to be waiting at the door and the urge to ignore it is becoming increasingly difficult. Another thing to add to the list. Take care.

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1. Dealing With The Aftermath Of A Slip
2. A Beef – Self Harm Pictures
3. Self Harm Self Mutilation Self Injury Self Violence
4. Self Harm Awareness Day
5. Self Harm Awareness Day March 1 2009
6. The Worst Part Of Self Harm
7. Self Harm Or How Far I Have Gone To Save My Life
8. Self Harm Scenarios – Trigger Warning
9. Pain And Self Harm
10. Self Harm Awareness Day Continued