One of my main issues that seems to be a the center of everything is control as in the need to completely control any situation that I am in. If I feel that I am losing control my anxiety rate goes through the roof and the borderline aspect of my personality begins to take over which is not good for anyone involved.

The background to this problem is pretty simplistic which is I spent the majority of my childhood with the sense that I had very little to no control over what was going on. Even when I had on the “perfect” child face stuff still happened to me which to put it bluntly shouldn’t have. So the thought process that originated from this is when I am in control nothing bad will happen but when someone else is control then I am going to be at risk.

At one point there was nothing in my life that I did not have control over or at least that is what my perception was at the time. A simple conversation was reversed well in advance exploring all possibilities so I would know how I would respond if the conversation went into specific directions. Doctors appointments were rehearsed over and over again to make sure that the best image was presented. The work I was in I was praised for the high level of the house I was in for I basically established a routine where absolutely everything had a fixed response and I made sure the rest of the workers followed this program. Of course most of the people believed that the high level of order was to help the kids overcome their difficult emotional problems and it was but at the same time it kept everything in smooth running fashion which my brain appreciated and made my life easier.

Those who have followed this blog since the beginning have seen what happens when the illusion of control slips away from me as I tend to overreact by threatening to shut down this blog and disappearing for awhile. It amazes me I have not deleted this blog by now and maybe that is a positive sign.

The problem right now is the house where I now live is currently on the market and so I have been preparing for the moving process for a while now. The situation that has appeared in the last few days is an offer has come forward but the possession date is weeks away and not the couple of months that I anticipated. So right now I need to wait to see if the offer is accepted and if so find a place very quickly in a housing market that has one of the lowest vacancy rates in the province. As stated before that my brain works best when I can plan everything to the smallest detail then follow the directives from A to Z. Right now that is not an option for I can not move forward to find a new place until I know this house is sold for the last thing that I want is it to be vacant for any time period. So I find myself sitting on pins and needles waiting for that phone to ring so I can spring into action which then leads to the next set of problems: who are my neighbors going to be, how safe is the neighborhood, am I going to be able to sleep in a new place and the list goes on. My doctor knows of this situation and has figured me out to realize this can only go two ways (A)Somehow I am going to figure a way through it (B)The added stress added into the current situation is going to throw dynamite onto the fire. Time will tell.

The funny thing is how comfortable I am in chaos yet I have such a high need for control must send an odd message to those people around me. Of course my answer is what you think is chaos is actually normal to me and on the other hand chances are I created the chaos to begin with. Take care.

Related posts:

1. A Complete Loss Of Control
2. Postpartum depression: When moms feel out of control
3. Gun Control And The Mentally Ill
4. Reading People
5. Borderline Personality Rage
6. Borderline Personality Disorder Misunderstood
7. BPD Series Six
8. Rage? Want To See A Rage?
9. The Highs And Lows Of Borderline Personality Disorder Part 2
10. Borderline Personality Disorder Archives