I have been on one medication or another for three years now and have spent a total of fourteen days where I was completely drug free during this time span. Effexor, Paxil, Remeron, Wellbutrin, Seroquel, Temazapam, Ativan, Lithium, Zyprexa and Nardil to name a few. The medication keeps those little demons at bay, it allows my brain to maintain a safe speed, it gives me the time to avoid the pitfall called self harm and it dulls my emotions to the point where I am not constantly drowning in the deep hole of despair. On a medical note this is great for it signifies that I have been making gains no matter how small but the reality check in my mind knows that if the drugs disappear my sanity is going to follow quickly after.

Of all the changes that I have made in the last three years which ones are here to stay and which ones are chemically enabled? If tomorrow morning I vowed never to take another pill how fast would it be til my brain resorts back to patterns of the past or have I learned enough to keep my mind in check?

I have seen it to many times where someone is completely convinced that the meds are no longer needed for they feel great and are in complete control but the problem like that of mental illness is what appears at the surface may not be the true picture. Yes the person is in control and doing well but it has nothing to do with a new understanding of their condition but the effectiveness of the medication. Then there are the horror stories where a person suddenly stops the drugs and are over taken by the demons of insanity which drive them to really bad places and headlines across the country. The term playing with fire comes to mind here.

I need to be on medication and that fact is drilled into my head just by looking at the scars that cover my body from battles I should have lost. What I need to remember is that the drugs are never going to solve the situation on their own but put me in a position where I can concentrate on the problem at hand and not be distracted by the chaos of mental illness. Maybe a day will come where I can finally throw those meds in the garbage for I now control my brain and not the other way around. I also realize that the last person who should make the decision whether or not to take the drugs is me for what I see and believe a lot of time is not accurate due to a perspective that borders on reality. This is what is going through my head tonight. Take care.

Related posts:

1. Picking The Right Mask
2. Borderline Personality Disorder Misunderstood
3. Repost Online Dating And Mental Illness
4. Borderline Personality Disorder DSM Criteria
5. Reaching Out For Help
6. The Big Piece Of The Puzzle Continued
7. BPD Series Six
8. Appointment Aftermath
9. A Crash Course On Manipulation And BPD
10. Borderline Personality Disorder DSM Criteria Expained