I wonder sometimes what people’s impression is of me especially those that come from a search engine or what have you and read only one post before taking off. The comment section gives me a pretty good idea sometimes as people send forth advice for that one small segment of my life and my battle. Normally the suggestions are pretty good and may actually help if that was the only situation but of course it is not.
When I started this blog some seven months ago part of the intention was to give a realistic view of what it is like living with a multitude of mental disorders and to hopefully show the complexity of the situation. I am not someone with major depressive disorder or borderline personality disorder or generalized anxiety disorder or even post traumatic stress disorder but my illness is a combination of all four. On their own each disorder has a somewhat standard treatment plan but when they are combined the answers become a lot more hidden. The depression aspect is complicated by the borderline diagnosis for at least in my doctors opinion stands in the way of any sort of talk therapy as I may be too busy looking for a personal attack then concentrating on the actual work needed to be done. The borderline diagnosis on its own is difficult enough but again it is shifted into a difficult monster by the post traumatic stress disorder as the negative self image can go through archives of old traumas to really put me into a hole that is difficult to get out of which then adds to a depression level that borderlines on danger. The generalized anxiety disorder is fueled by the borderline and post traumatic demons as it keeps me on my toes waiting for the next onslaught to hit. Spend all of your time waiting for something bad to happen and guess what something bad will happen.
Each disorder has its own stigma and the majority of them are completely off base. I would imagine when someone hears my diagnosis they can not decide which box to put me in and that is the point of this blog. Yep I have four concurrent mental disorders and they play a huge role in my life but if you can take the time to see past all of the fancy words and see me for who I am then you might be pleasantly surprised with what you find. For whatever the reason this situation has been put on me so I do what I do best which is fight and the decision to make this a public affair in the hopes that people will stop looking at the disorders and start to look at the human being behind the labels battling to get their life back on track. Take care.
Related posts:
- Untreatable Online Blog Update
- What People Are Searching For
- Could Have Been A TV Star
- BPD Did You Know
- Another Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder – Article
- What Not To Do When Dealing With Someone Who Is Mentally Unwell
- What NOT To Do When Dealing With Someone who Is Currenty Unwell
- Who I Am
- Dual Diagnosis Conflicts
- An Anniversary
Yeah well…
Dx’ed borderline with avoidant traits; mostly dysthymic, horrible mornings, okay evenings, occasionally crises of angst and/or anger when my path crosses with people who have a sadistic streak, mostly with aggressive or clearly misogynist men, men who get their kicks making women feel uneasy… and such like… plus chronic insomnia for over thirty years (I sleep in a state of red alert – an alley cat with one eye open) that if the facts weren’t grounded in “so long ago” would look a lot like ptsd…
Often crippled by social anxieties in the past, my profile strikes me as a lot like yours, but I finally found a great psychiatrist/psychotherapist who put me on meds for the insomnia (I’m tired of people who always tell me to try something more holistic – they do not know what it is to always have nightmarish dreams and to always wake up at 4 AM and to never be able to get to sleep until you’ve spent at least an hour lying in bed no matter how tired you are)and who applied his idea of supportive/existential oriented therapy for a few years.
I’m still dysthymic – but my anxiety level is way down, the intense dysphoria has mostly subsided, and I am working and on a certain level appreciating life for the first time in many years.
In my humble opinion, DBT is not the way to go for people that are introspective by nature, people like yourself, and whose problems are dissociation (numbing out, feeling unreal, more dead than alive), dysphoria (INTENSE fear, shame, guilt, self hate, etc) and emotional dysregulation – problems common to every dx that you have been given.
I wish you could find someone who can hand out meds and deal with processing traumatic memories; who recognizes that you are a highly sensitive and empathic person in a lot of pain.
I can not say that I’m cured – I cannot handle too much contact – I prefer to work alone – the blues are still a semi-constant companion, excruciating feelings of anxiety may still suddenly descend on me seemingly from nowhere in social situations – but life is now “real” and feeling sad is so much better than feeling nothing at all.
I can only wish the same for you.
Meanwhile I’ll probably still keep reading your posts…
I have been reading your blog every day for the last two months or so. I do not “see” your diagnoses. What I see is a very intelligent mind dealing with the crosses to bear of that intelligence.
You have become very educated about your disorders and willingly share what you’ve learned so that others may be helped. What you write here is far more than any of the psych texts I’ve read, more valuable than any theorist’s interpretation of the experiences of a disorder, and more precise than any other journal I’ve read.
The only thing I would like to suggest, take it or leave it, is to try to separate who you are from the criteria of the diagnoses. You are a person, a full, complete person who happens to have disorders, not a disordered person. Who are You?
It’s very brave of you to share your life via this blog. You can’t control how other people react, you can only control your own reactions.