For the last little while I have been contemplating the idea of writing a letter to my (ex) wife (we have been seperated for almost three years but no divorce has been filed) to try and explain the situation that led to our breakup but the problem that I seem to be dealing with is I do not want to come off as manipulating or trying to push off the reason so my illness takes the full blame.
When I returned from the hospital way back in 05 it was basically the beginning of the end. She was not happy that no real gains were made and that I left the hospital on false pretenses. I had decided that two months in the hospital was more then enough so I found a floater doc and somehow convinced him that I was perfectly fine and would be better off if I was allowed to return home. This was a lie as I was still cutting on a daily basis and mentally I knew that I was in a bad place. Anyway after I returned home everything was alright for a bit but then my grasp of reality began to fade. The first thing I do when I am in trouble is basically isolate myself and push everyone around me away. I became very difficult to deal with and basically pushed my spouse in to a position where she believed the best option for her and our child was to leave. On a Borderline Personality Disorder level the justification from my end was that I became sick and she left. The real reason is my world was so chaotic at the time that I needed to be alone and limit any outside stresses. So she left.
My background is not a very pretty sight and for the longest time I kept it hidden from anyone including her. My act was busted open one night as I woke her up screaming and basically beating the hell out of our bed. I told her enough to justify the actions but again kept most of the story in the dark. Over time I would tell her bits and pieces to help her understand me better but never telling her the whole story (no one has ever heard the whole story to this day). When my breakdown finally happened she was introduced to a person she had never seen before and it scared her. She stuck around and pushed me to get the help that I needed which ended up in the two month psych ward stay but in the end instead of using her for support I pushed her out the door.
I don’t regret to many areas of my life for the basic reason being the majority of them I had little to no control over but the situation surrounding her has been constantly at war with my brain since before I forced her into making the decision to leave. I know why I did what I did but that is not a good enough reason and I want to try and explain to her what happened but have not figured out the right way to do so. Anyway that is what I am thinking about these days. How do you make amends to someone who was just trying to help but ended up getting hurt in the process. Take care
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Thats sounds difficult and challenging to deal with. It reminds me of my past relationship so I could see how complicated making amends would be. I think the fact that you are open and honest about things is very positive. If my ex were to gain insight like that and not leave me in the dark I think maybe amends could be made, but it still sounds tough.
With the way you write and if you are anything like me, I express myself more clearly in writing. If you want to make amends, I would suggest writing her a letter apologizing for exactly what you did and explain how that is how your having BPD is like for you. You will never be able to give back what you’ve lost, but maybe start again (defining a new relationship, not necessarily getting back together). Remember, to only do this if you will be able to accept whatever her response is to you. (((hugs))) (if they are same for you from me).
Clueless
If we continue to reject ourselves, we go on rejecting the very people who love us. I am torn between pushing and grabbing. Until I find my balance, is it fair to make amends? I have the same question.
Sometimes telling our story as we understand it is a way to reach closure.
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