Well the appointment went as good as expected and to top it off I received a wonderful surprise. I was walking into the office and just finished talking with the receptionist when I heard someone calling out my name. I turned to look and there was my son with his grandparents. Turns out he had an appointment at the same time, he had mentioned that he was to see the dentist this week but could not remember when it was. So I was able to spend a few valuable moments with my four year old which does more for my state of mind then any combination of drugs and therapy.
When he had gone to his appointment I spoke with his grandfather for a bit who is a really nice guy and even the stress that I had put his daughter through has always treated me well. We talked about this and that and I have a funny feeling it probably sounded a bit weird from my end as I am really out of practice when it comes to speaking to others. A few brief phone calls a week, the odd appointment with a doctor and the weekly visits with my four year old which means there is a lot of time spent where I do not utter any words out loud (I do talk to myself but that really does not count). I keep thinking that my mental doctor loves to say that I am not a great talker so he greatly appreciates when I write out my monthly well being report but I wonder if he has clued in that it has a lot to do with me being out of practice then anything else. All of a sudden I am suppose to explain my current situation and who knows what is going to come out of my mouth at a terrific speed so needless to say I do not make a lot of sense at times.
Well apparently my dental work is almost completed .. finally which my mental doc was waiting for so “we” could start Nardil again but I threw a wrench into that plan by insisting on restarting Effexor (Which I am really wondering why at the moment as it has been anything but positive). For me to go back to Nardil means I would have to come off of Effexor and take no antidepressants for a couple of weeks to allow my blood to clear before starting a MAOI antidepressant. The last time I went through this process I was in a hospital setting and it was not a very pleasurable experience, the med change was not the reason it had more to do with a self harm session that came a little bit to close to the life and death line. I am really rambling here which means I have not taken my meds yet so I will close this here and go find the chemical assistance to slow my world down. Take care
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It is difficult to read your story and see that so many therapies have not produced relief for you.
Glad your dental appointment went well and you got to see your son. We all need positive experiences to keep us sane.
I’m one of those that believes that things happen for a reason. What a wonderful thing that you “happened” to bump into your son.
Sometimes it seems as maybe you are you own worst enemy. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but I want to point out some things I have learned about me, that I see you writing about.
“We talked about this and that and I have a funny feeling it probably sounded a bit weird from my end as I am really out of practice when it comes to speaking to others. … (I do talk to myself but that really does not count)”
One of the problems I have when I have too much time alone on my hands is that I get to talking to myself. And as I talk to myself, if I get on a downward spiral, I’m not above piling on. I remember a few lines from a Matt Helm book I read as a teen where Matt began to think about a fight he had had with his wife, and he had to stop those thoughts when she wasn’t there to defend herself because he just got madder and madder even though he was “over” the fight already. When we are alone, we really aren’t there to stick up for ourselves.
Maybe contact with a few other people would help. Things I have done included a church (its more New age than dogmatic religion) book discussions at the library, helping other people do things, volunteer work. All of those, kept me busy and didn’t give me much time to pound on my own head.
Some would say this is just hiding from the problem, staying busy enough I don’t have to face the problems, but I would say that it was more therapeutic in the fact that it kept me from hanging out with the wrong crowd. You know that crowd in your head that for some reason wants you dead?
I’m not a therapist, but I do know what has worked for me.