Every once in a while an idea will come through my head that makes so much sense that it takes forever to get rid of it. About a year ago I was thinking what I should do in terms of a future career as I am not sure I can ever go back to Social Work or at least not in the same capacity that I once did. Anyway this idea came out of nowhere that my new purpose in life was to write basically a modern day bible or at least something similar. This delusion went on for a long time and it somehow reached a point where I was having mock interviews in my head and I think Oprah called this new project of mine the ultimate guideline to a happy life or something close to it. Within a week I was all ready and set to start this project then bang it was gone.
Paranoia is a royal pain in the ass and it is one of the worst parts of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have sat alone in my home with every window and door locked then somehow convinced myself that there was an intruder in the house so I grabbed a golf club and searched every single nook and cranny until my mind finally realized that there was no one else there. The other side to paranoia is I seem to have a problem with people who are nice to me for instantly my brain is trying to calculate the angles and figure out what they want for someone being nice to be just for the sake of trying to help does not make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me. Part of this is paranoia and the rest relates to life experiences that goes back to the ole saying “Nothing is free”.
I use to have what I called a safe list and if you were on it then chances are if a problem arose that I could not handle then I would turn to you for help well this was the theory but in reality it did not work this way. My life seems like an open book on this blog and in a lot of ways it is but at the same time I am pretty careful not to cross that invisible line that leads to too much information for the paranoia spectrum in my brain is positive it will be used against me. Anyway back to the safe list that really did not exist for the only person I have ever trusted enough to tell them everything is my ex wife and Lord knows I screwed that one up. The borderline part of my brain sticks to the reason that I got sick and she left but the other part of my brain that is more tied into reality knows that when the depression hit hard I needed to simplify my world as much of possible which led to a created situation that basically forced her hand into leaving. We have a child together and I realized about a year after she left that it was important that we have a good relationship for we are permanently tied because of our son. It is finally getting back to a good level and I am going to do my damnedest to keep it that way. There is a million things she could have done to make my life difficult but instead she took the higher ground and helped whenever she could which is weird to me for most people that i have pushed out of my life have never come back and in some cases have never forgiven me for it
This post was a neat trick to write for I am still waiting for my Seroquel to kick in and my brain is going a million miles per hour with thoughts coming in from all angles. Chances are this is going to be a post I will regret tomorrow but maybe it will give a more clearer picture of what that lovely little antipsychotic is suppose to prevent. I ate one piece of licorice today and the sugar content was rather high in it and instantaneously felt sick to my stomach so that is not a good sign which I will get the mental doc to order some blood tests before this turns into an anxiety nightmare from hell. Anyway back to the apology and that is my brain is just not cooperating and I need to go to sleep but until the thoughts slow right the heck down that is not going to be possible so I am hoping by putting everything down on here that it will help a bit.
Oh the exercise routine took a drastic switch when my body realized it is not nineteen anymore so now I have a whole body workout three times a week and so far so good. I don’t believe in scales and I rather use how my clothes fit plus look for muscle definition as a judging criteria. Had to pick up a smaller belt so I guess that means I am moving in the right direction now just need to figure out how to get around the odd eating hours as at the moment it is all over the place.
Well that is it for now and maybe tomorrow I can compose something that is a lot less jumpy and makes sense. Take care.
Related posts:
- Mental Tricks
- It Has Been A Weird Day Prescription Drug Confusion
- Untreatable Mental Illness
- Faking Mental Illness … WTF?
- BPD Awareness Month – Best Parts About Having A Mental Illness
- Mental Health Diagnosis
- Repost Online Dating And Mental Illness
- The Mental Illness Excuse
- BPD Awareness Month Mental Health Statements
- It Has Been A Weird Week
You DO write really well you know. And I’m sure some of your life experiences have been biblical in their intensity.
Curious how in spite of it all we still want to help others in their suffering… until the world tells us in plain terms that we’re better off keeping our distance.
I read your blogs though I’ve never commented, as I just agree with you too much and I’m more of the protesting against injustice kind.
I find you sensitive, intelligent and I suspect there are a whole lot of qualities to your nature that you yourself are perhaps not so aware of.
Sometimes as awful as it is we have to keep in mind what happened to us so as not to confuse past trauma with present situations. The problem is the time lapse or lack of when the fear/panic reaction hits – but although the relapses are there and depress the hell out of me afterwards, I have learned to protect my brain from irrational fears precisely by keeping in mind past trauma in certain present situations. It doesn’t always work, but perhaps it’s a place to start.
I too have veered from blogging because I need to figure out where my boundaries are due to paranoia and the whole writing about myself as if I am another person. Maybe a lit review blog would be more appropriate. I shall see.
sueke