I have a massive issue when it comes to trust which is a major hurdle that I need to overcome if I ever want a clear shot at recovery. The mere thought of putting my well being into the hands of others sends shivers down my spine. This is something that did not appear when my breakdown occurred but probably started sometime in early childhood and is a main factor in the development of what later became Borderline Personality Disorder.
Right off the bat the first people you are suppose to trust is your parents as they are responsible for damn near everything right off the bat but when certain circumstances happen this is put into jeopardy creating a sort of movement that is going to take a long time to get past. I could never figure out why the people who were suppose to love me and keep me safe would repeatedly put me into situations that caused me harm. My father who could go from fun loving dad to pissed off at the world in a heartbeat created an environment that was a long way from being safe for a child. I never knew what mood he was going to be in so it kept my anxiety level sky high and helped mold my BPD false self in order to eliminate as many factors as possible that would set him off. You can not trust someone you fear.
Both of my parents like many around the world worked full time so my primary care giver was someone outside of the home. It was my parents responsibility to make sure that all of the proper steps were taken in order to ensure my safety and well being needless to say this did not happen. I went through a number of different sitters and I would imagine some were wonderful people but the others should have picked a different occupation. Again my view of trust was distorted for how can I trust someone who is suppose to ensure my wellbeing but continues to cause harm on a way to regular basis. Too many days were spent wondering if I was going to get my ass beat at home or at the sitters or both.
Depending on the year teachers were the closest thing I had to a responsible adult in my life but like everything else there were exceptions to the rule. Finally gathered the nerve to tell the teacher about the abuse I was taking outside of school to only be told if I was a better behaved child it would never happen. Basically the same situation repeated a year later and I learned a lesson that I would hang on to for years to come “The only person who I can trust with my well being and safety is me for no one else cares what happens”.
Doctors are a difficult group of people to trust as a whole. The first appointment they basically promise the world in terms of recovery then over the next period of time repeatedly fail to come through. I would imagine part of this is my expectations are off base but it seems every time I try to combat these negative thoughts with logic the only thing that comes to mind is examples from the past which are far from positive..
Therapists and I do not have the best relationships. In a therapy setting you need to be completely open in order for the best possible result but I have found out the hard way that there is something known as too much information. After my first psych stay I was set up with a therapist who has a wonderful reputation of helping those with historical abuse issues. Everything was going well for the first couple of visits until I made a mistake in the third. She asked the typical question on any progress or setbacks since the last appointment and I admitted that I hit a rough patch where I turned to self harm. Almost instantaneously this therapist decided that I was not in a stable enough place mentally to go through therapy and that was the last time I ever saw her. She was followed by two more therapists who basically came to the same conclusion after my self harm issues came out into the open. Since then I have tried to contact a dozen more therapists but once I mention that I do have the Borderline Personality Disorder all communication is cut off and this is before any of them actually took the time to meet me in person to judge for themselves how well I may respond to treatment. I have come to the conclusion in order for me to obtain treatment in a therapeutic setting in this community I am going to have to fail to mention that I am BPD and I have a lengthy self harm history. Not sure how I am going to be able to be open with someone when I believe I need to lie from the onset in order to get proper care.
Nurses. Well if you have read yesterdays post you will have a fair idea of where the relationship stands with that specific group of people. This area tends to be more separated then others as I try to figure out pretty quickly early on which are in it for the money and which are in there to help. My communication with the two groups is totally different and it has to do with trust. Very difficult to trust someone that does not look at you as a person but what is written down in a file and on paper I past the crazy line a long time ago plus that damn word untreatable is probably in capital letters.
I do try to give everyone I meet a chance to show me what kind of person they are in and more then once my original assumption was proven wrong. The problem is when the little warning flags start to appear and with the way my brain works situations from the past are quickly linked which ends up putting up the walls to keep me safe. Like I said earlier this is an area I am going to have to figure out how to get around but I am basically clueless on how to do so. Take care.
No related posts.
Thank you for being so open about your life. For me trust and safety are related. I don’t feel safe if I trust. And, I don’t feel safe until I feel like I have complete control because the primary caregivers in my family were ignoring, abusive or aggressive. Borderline personality disorder is based in the faulty connection with the primary caregivers, your parents, even if you had a baby sitter. It makes treatment extremely difficult because we project all those feelings onto the therapist with “infantile” coping skills. It is stunted development. It took me seven years at two to three time as week to tell my therapist relatively important, but minor in comparison to what I tell him now 21 years later. Somehow, I was blessed to have my therapist and determined enough to stick with it no matter how bad the relationship got. Good luck to you.
Trust. I tend to leave therapy sessions feeling as if I have given emotion ammunition to someone who will only use it to fire shots into my thin fabrication of a self image. I started seeing therapists when I was 17 and at 30 I am different but still emotionally unstable and prone to self harm urges that come and go depending on how irrationally I am reacting to situations in my life. I am really attempting to see this newest therapy through despite my paranoid mind dissecting every word or facial expression she makes. I have decided to be honest with her. It is extremely frightening and I find myself thinking irrationally that she is trying to “change” me into something she finds more acceptable. I really resonate with your trust issues basically for the same reasons. I am occasionally even surprised when my feet make contact with the solidness of the ground instead of an endless abyss when I am strolling along.
peace love and empathy
I know how you feel. It’s that old damned if you do, damned if you don’t syndrome that seems connected to BPD. There is only one therapist in my town who will take me on. Poor woman keeps me on even though she is in another job, not doing counseling. The only problem is that she is not as connected with the mental health system. But you know I’m sure that does not really matter because the level of care is unpredictable anyways. I was just reading your entry about your last hospital visit. Yikes. It’s really unpredictable and your pretty much on your own. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I don’t know what the answer is in getting consistent care.
I have had my same therapist for 17 years. I see her every couple of weeks now. She is the most patient, consistent, trustworthy person I know. She is open to what ever I bring to the session to talk about. I can talk about anything with her without judgement. I feel safe with her. I am blessed to have this relationship over such a long period of time. In the time I have seen her I have managed to complete my college education and begin grad school, raise my sons who both graduated from college this year & most of all the therapy has given me the stability to stick with my husband of 28years. She is a therapist but she is a maternal figure for me. I am lucky!
No matter how much I bad mouth therapists and other mental professionals they are the key to recovery for a lot if not the majority of people out there. I hope my luck with “professionals” is not the standard that is out there.
Part of the problem is me and I get that but I never dreamed it would be this difficult to find someone let alone find someone who is willing to take me on for a long term basis.
The trust issue with me is complicated at best but the key to it, along with most people I believe is that it will take some time and the expectation that I will trust from the get go needs to be thrown out the window.
I will figure it out eventually basically because I really do not have a choice in the matter.
This is exactly how I feel. I am twenty and have seen fourteen therapists. I never trusted any of them. My fear of opening up means that I have never gotten a full diagnosis. The problem with this is I can’t fix what I don’t know.
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