Most people when they think about self harm think about the methods that are usually associated with it such as cutting, burning, bruising, picking and a couple more but there is another side to self harm that does not leave any marks at least not visible to the naked eye.
I have exercised off and on for the majority of my adult life with the obvious reason that I want to reach a healthier state but there is another side to it. The types of workouts I do tend to leave my body in a state of pain for a few days afterward which at times feels like a gift from above for when my brain is fixated on cramping muscles it is not thinking about what is going on in my head. In a warped sort of way it is a mental health vacation.
The psych wards that I have been on at least a few times a week there were days when I just refused to eat and the obvious reason I gave was I just was not hungry where the actual reason is starvation brings upon something new that my brain can concentrate on for awhile. I lost over twenty pounds in under a month during the last psych visit.
There is another section to self harm that a lot of people are guilty of but they do not consider it to be self harm such as setting themselves up in a situation where they know the only outcome is negative which will cause more distress. They could be doing this so they have a viable reason on why their life is running out of control or for a lot of people with long term mental health issues a choice between a positive or negative outcome the negative is going to win for this is what they know best and are more comfortable in. I have been dealing with depression for a long time so it is at a point where it is going to take something major to catch me off guard but positive situations or events always come with a number of strings attached such as how long is this going to last, why is this happening, is someone trying to pull a game on me and the worry that once the happy dust has cleared the drop is going to be awfully painful. I have said this before but it fits here “If I woke up tomorrow with all of my issues gone and I was happy it would most likely drive me insane for I would have no idea what to do.
People have remarked over the course of this blog how I am able to live with four concurrent mental disorders and the simple answer is I really do not know any other way to life as this has been my reality for quite sometime. A strange quirk in my personality is when people start remarking how well I am doing I start looking for ways on a non conscious level to fail. I don’t think I do this for attention for that really does not fit but I believe the reason is and I hate to admit it is without the constant struggle in my head, planning to get around obstacles both physical and mental that I would have no idea what to do. Kind of weird that in some ways mental illness is the reason behind my disability but in another way it has become a crutch in other aspects. Sheesh I need a lot of therapy. Take care.
Related posts:
- Self Harm Awareness Day Continued
- The Worst Part Of Self Harm
- Self Harm Awareness Day
- A Beef – Self Harm Pictures
- Dealing With Self Harm Thoughts
- Self Harm Scenarios – Trigger Warning
- Helping Someone Who Self Harm
- Self Harm Or How Far I Have Gone To Save My Life
- Alternatives To Self Harm
- Self Harm – Way too many scars
I start looking for ways on a non conscious level to fail…. I believe the reason is and I hate to admit it is without the constant struggle in my head, planning to get around obstacles both physical and mental that I would have no idea what to do. Kind of weird that in some ways mental illness is the reason behind my disability but in another way it has become a crutch in other aspects.
I think you have nailed this aspect absolutely. The abnormal becomes normal and the normal becomes terrifying.
Well pointed out here – self-sabotage is a form of self harm that is often overlooked and in a way is the subject of a post I am working on right now. I expect to post it on Wed, it’s called “If at First You Don’t Succeed, Don’t Try Again. Ever.”
Thank you for raising awareness of this side of Self Harm.
~Shiv
I agree feeling depressed, having suicidal thoughts and self injurious thoughts are normal to me. They are and have been constantly with me…I don’t know anything else.
Regarding the losing weight, I know that I haven’t written about it too much, but I do have an eating disorder and it is a form or self harm or slow suicide…I’ve been confronted on that more times than I can count. But, the same thing the endorphins kick in when I start to lose weight and I literally do not feel hungry and I get a high on how much weight I can lose. During my two hospitalizations, I lost weight and went below 100 pounds and I’m 5’4″. I become obsessed with what I eat, how my clothes fit, how much I weigh, etc…And, in the hospital it becomes two things 1) control because I feel like so much has been taken from me and 2) I’m angry that I am there. I guess there is a third element. I tend not to eat when things are too intense emotionally..oh, I guess that is one.
[...] continued- Other things to do then self harm- Dealing with the aftermath of a slip- Hidden marks- Pain and self harm- A Beef – Self Harm Pictures- Dealing With Self Harm Thoughts- I Should Have Known- The Worst [...]
[...] Worst Part Of Self Harm- Helping Someone Who Self Harm- A Letter To My Parents Regarding Self Harm- Pain And Self Harm- Other Things To Do Then Self Harm- Self Harm Or How Far I Have Gone To Save My Life- Hidden Marks- [...]