I remember the first time that I met my mental health doctor he asked me to tell him what I was feeling. I sat there for what felt like forever and finally replied that I did not feel anything at all which was the only thing that I could come up with. Thinking back I realized that a very simple question required a rather complex answer.
The goal of this post is to come up with a list of examples of answers that I could have used when my doctor asked that simple yet very important question.
1. I feel that I am watching my life like it is a movie. Trapped in a theater seat unable to change the outcome of what is taking place in front of me.
2. That I am dying. That pieces of my soul are slowly leaving my body and soon there will be nothing left of me.
3. That I am in a battle for my life, a life I have no interest in saving.
4. It hurts. Every aspect of my life is being ripped away and there is nothing that I can do about it. Trying to put a smile on my face feels like I am stabbing myself in the heart.
5. I am tired. Seems like every waking moment I am battling against the negative thoughts that are rushing through my brain at an unbelievable rate of speed. I just want it to stop. I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.
6. Nothing. I am not happy and I am not sad. I am no longer a human being but a machine that is stuck going through the motions.
7. I can’t see tomorrow. It is like my entire future has been erased and the only thing that exist is the hell I currently occupy and this will be my life from here on in.
Lots of different answers to one simple question. Take care.
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Great post.
For me there are a couple more things also:
A drained feeling like something is sucking the life blood out of your arms and your limbs all feel like lead
Being unable to concentrate on anything, even something as simple as writing a birthday card. If you can’t do it on autopilot without thinking then you can’t do it at all.
~Shiv
So, you feel trapped in a place that is uncomfortable, alternating between painful and numb? What sort of ‘place’ would you rather be in? Can you describe it the same way you did these 7 points?
Thanks for sharing. I can relate. One thing I found interesting is that I understood you better by those statements, but only #4 really answered the question. That was the only one with a feeling. Most of the others are thoughts or descriptions. For me, when my therapist asks me the question, I just blankly stare like, huh? It means that I’ve detached from myself and I am not present to myself or mindful. I do the same thing, so not to worry. Most people do because we are not taught to actually say how we feel.
A list I can really relate to. The items on it that I connected with most are #1, #5, #6
Not fun, but it always helps to hear that I’m not alone
# 6 really resounded with me. A complete feeling of emptiness. Nothingness. And not even caring.
What is this place? #4…. that’s exactly where I am. And #2 as well… I just “stumbled” across this site and I don’t know what that means. Am I depressed? Clinically? Can anyone help me?
I Remember when i was depressed man it was a nightmare i felt like no one liked me and i was all alone but soon to realize it was all me it was me that wanted it that way i set the mood that was plaguing my life the truth of the matter is there well always be bumps in the road people judging you talking bad about you putting you down its only now that i have become mentally strong enough through meditating that i control my surrounding and the other truth is that we depressed people have weak minds the first step is accepting it and then improving upon it. To all who feel deep
I am so sorry for your pain. I used to feel like that, for many years. I just want to say that if you can find the energy to get help, you can feel like your old self again. I know that is hard to imagine, and it does feel like there is no hope and no future. Know that those painful thoughts are just the disease talking to you.
Depression is gray and small, in a corner. Can’t move, don’t want to move…make myself move…force myself, or I will just go to bed and stay there. It does hurt, all the time. It is slow, still, colorless, boring.
and it hurts.
Awesome description……….I am right where you are and have been battleing depression since I was 10 Im now 44 and this was my life everyday and still is from time to time. Ive been on every drug for both the right and left hemisphere of my brain and have had luck with my meds now for the last 5 yrs. Remeron is what I take and I swear by it talk to your doc about it.
Hey Jude: I have been on Remeron before. I was taking it along with Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lithium, Zyprexa and Temazapam. Zyprexa was taken out six months in because of weight gain. A few months later the rest went to hell. Doc could not figure out which med to blame so all was stopped and I moved on to Nardil, a year later I am back on Effexor and temazapam. Not sure if Remeron is in the cards again as I don’t remember much difference for the depression but it did help me sleep. Thanks for commenting
“3. That I am in a battle for my life, a life I have no interest in saving.”
This really resonated with me, very powerful description, thank you.
I just wanted to thank you for writing this and putting yourself out there. I've been depressed for many years now and this is the first thing I've ever read that I can really identify with. I feel like this every day and the very few friends or family members I've told felt angry at me and that I was being blue on purpose. This really helped me, thanks so much
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