Had an appointment yesterday with another mental health professional which meant another intake interview. I don’t know how many of these types of assessments I have done but the number is becoming rather high and they always seem to leave me drained. my brain is not cooperating today and it is difficult to stay on one track so chances are this post is going to be all over the place.
1. She asked about suicide attempts and suicidal ideation. I told her about the two documented cases which led to hospitalizations and basically said they were results of a cutting session that went way too far. The thoughts I admitted to having on a daily basis but tried to justify by saying this is just part of depression. The second the statement left my mouth I realized how ridiculous it sounded but I could not think of a better answer. The worker asked if I was suicidal which I replied no which is the truth but I know where a positive answer leads to so I will never admit to it no matter who I am talking too.
2. We were talking about work and I received the typical reaction when the mental health professional realized at one time I was one of them. I explained that I loved what I did and the goal is to get back to working with teens but at the moment mentally I am rather unstable so I was not able to stay focused on one area for any lengthy amount of time. I want to return to work and I toy with the idea on a regular basis but how can I tell someone else how to live when my own life is in shambles.
3. Turns out I really hate my doctor and don’t think much of the rest of the mental health system in this town. I admitted to going into my doctors office with the intent of getting out of there as quick as possible and every time I attempted to reach out it was a waste of effort. All my doctor does is increase my medication in the hopes that I will shut up and every time I suggest a different approach it is shot down immediately by a statement that holds no water. How much of this response is accurate and how much is the result of a misguided perception? Like everything else in my life it depends on the day if not the moment.
4. The lady, who was very nice and supportive by the way, asked if I had any solutions to my situation which is a great question that I have been very rarely asked by other mental health professionals. I believe that the key to my recovery is going back to the beginning of my life and working through what took place over the next twenty years or so. If I can somehow figure out and put to rest the events that took place the PTSD diagnosis would basically disappear (hopefully), the Borderline Personality would calm right down as I would actually believe that the reasons behind its creation are no longer in play and the depression would no longer be enhanced by the negative BPD perspective which would in turn give me the power back over my life. Same plan I have had since day one whether or not it would be successful I have no idea but it has to be more effective then what I am doing now.
5. The worker at the end made a statement that I needed someone just to unload on so I would not have to carry it around in my head. This person would just listen to what I was saying and I would not have to worry about being judged or changing the way I am perceived. When I started this blog that was one of the main purposes just a place to let everything out but something along the way changed. Everything on this blog is 100% accurate and truthful but at the same time I am only showing a certain section of my life. Part of this is the fear if I let everything out I would have to admit that I am not winning this war on mental illness and its not even close a statement that I deny daily just so I can keep trying to move forward.
This worker is going to help me find a new place to live in the near future and has also opened up a variety of options in terms of mental health treatment and for that I am very grateful. Unfortunately there has been a number of other mental health “professionals” who have promised to help but then ran away once they saw the whole scope of my illness but hopefully this time it is different. Take care.
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Totally can empathize with your statement of being afraid of “not winning the war on mental illness”. Sounds like you are able to still reach out though, which is pretty amazing even after all the s*^t you have been through with “professionals”. I hear ya, hang in there.
I am glad you are able to share here on your blog. I can relate to the empty promises made by mental health care professional to help. Our local mental health association counselor told me at least a dozen times that she was going to get me involved in some group therapy. Never happened on their part. I was willing to go whenever they would make up their minds.
Been through the change of medications so many times now, I lost count. Some of the side effects were not good. One caused me to go back in the hospital.
My hopes and prayers are with you, I sincerely hope it works out this time and you can return to doing what you really want to do with your life
~Shiv
I am lucky enough to have a good treatment team, but there are not that many out there. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband who does not care if I work. He just wants me to get better.
I do know that BPD symtoms mellow out with age, but PTSD is treatable. My thought and prayers are with you. You also give me inspiration to continue with my blog which I just started…Even though I am anonymous, I still feel quite vulnerable and exposed and that I shouldn’t be doing it.
Good luck in your journey.