* If you are easily triggered about situations that deal with abuse I would suggest that you find another post in my little corner of the web*

Triggers suck. That one little smell, word, object and situation that has you fighting your past with full on effort. There are days when my triggers seem to have very little power but then there are others where something that seems so insignificant on the surface brings flashbacks that leave marks on my soul.

Wooden Spoon – I remember when I was ten or so walking into my babysitters home like any other day throughout the eight years she was “responsible” for my care. She had this wooden spoon in her hand and was going on to great lengths on the workmanship and quality of this kitchen utensil. I left for school that day trying to figure out what the deal was then it clicked in my brain. The previous week I had gotten into trouble with her for breaking the last wooden spoon as it cracked over the back of my head. This was a typical punishment in her home for circumstances ranging from eating too slow, eating too fast, elbows on the table and talking while I was suppose to be eating. Any little event seemed to put her into a rage which ended with her swinging that wooden spoon at the back of my head. Now she was bragging about her new weapon and I knew how she was going to test it. For years after I left her care I spent every meal looking over my shoulder and the sight of a wooden spoon would make me sick to my stomach.

Sirens – My father was sick for a lot of my childhood and managed to pull of the trick of coming back from the dead a number of times. When I was twelve or so he and I had a bad argument which ended with me saying out loud that I wished he was dead. That night he had a heart attack in his sleep and by some miracle my mother woke up realizing something was wrong and dialed 911. I watched the ambulance attendants restart my fathers heart from my bedroom across the hall with the statement I had made earlier running through my head. Until my fathers passing some seventeen years later every time a siren would sound my brain would bring me back to the day that I had said those words “I wish you were dead”. I understand that my wish and the events that followed were coincidence but that never seemed to make a difference when it came to the trigger and the flashback that followed.

When it comes to recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it is important to recognize the triggers for what they are which will take some of the power back. A wooden spoon on its own can not hurt me but the woman who swung it did. During the first psych admission I worked through a lot of situations that were related to the babysitter and the trigger of the wooden spoon eventually began to fade.

I have no idea how many triggers are out there that are capable of sending me back to the worst moments of my life but I do know that every time I work through a specific section of the past the number does seem to get smaller. Some areas are still to sensitive so I tend to keep them buried in the back as the threat to my sanity is just too high to tackle on my own. Complete recovery from PTSD is possible with a lot of internal searching and work put in but I will be the first to admit that the path which leads to it scares the living hell out of me. Take care.

Related posts:

1. Discussion Of Triggers
2. The Anticipaction
3. UFC Fighting For the Troops PTSD
4. A Flashback Courtesy Of PTSD
5. Loss Of Contact With Reality
6. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder DSM Criteria PTSD
7. Generals share their experience with PTSD – CNN Article
8. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
9. Military Suicides Up Twenty Percent – The PTSD Monster
10. An Observation