I struggle with irrational thoughts, well to be more precise I struggle with the fallout of irrational thoughts. There are days like yesterday where absolutely everything that comes to make mind makes sense and then time passes which provides me with the opportunity to look back and realize what I said or did makes no sense at all.
On the “right” day there is pretty much nothing that I am unable to justify and the best example of this is self harm. On a thousand different occasions my mind believed that causing damage and pain to my body would make me feel better about myself. That once enough blood has spilled from my veins that my problems and inner turmoil would just be carried out with it. Then something would happen following these situations when that little light bulb in my head clicks on and I actually see the damage that I have caused to my body and I am no longer able to justify this action at least til the next time where the thoughts switch from look at the damage to another scar is really not going to make a difference plus I always feel better afterwords. I have been in lengthy heated arguments with all sorts of mental health professionals on the benefits of self harm and how when I am in a cutting period I am much more healthy and stable then I wonder why no one seems to take my problems seriously.
I use to think if I stopped and really thought of everything that I wanted to say before I said it then the chances of it being irrational would be slim to none but this is not the case for some days the justification used to make the thoughts seem rational are just as irrational as the thought itself.
Part of me really wants to go back into this blog archives and destroy any post where I know was created from an irrational point but I don’t for I feel the best way for someone to understand mental illness is to see the complete picture. Every single post at the time of creation I would completely stand behind 100% it is just when I stop to look back I realize that my mental illness was at play and I have a long way to go in terms of recovery. Take care.
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I thought about the same thing when I write my past journal entries because now I can see how irrational I was, so I think I shouldn’t write it. Then, I think then no one really gets the idea of how crazy it is inside.
With the irrational thoughts, my therapist says that it isn’t about stopping them it is about managing them. They are automatic and then, do I fragment or am I able to handle them. Most of the time now I can handle, but with my putting my history of abuse on my side bar, I knew I was fragmenting afterward, but couldn’t stop it. It was a difficult day, but the PRN’s helped to quiet the thoughts enough for me to function better. (My therapist had to remind me about the PRN; otherwise, I wouldn’t have taken them)
Irrational thoughts… I think that is all I am lately. =) Thanks for the honesty and bravery.
peace love and empathy