I joined a popular online dating site about a year or so ago in the order to meet people and hopefully to find that special someone. I have met some nice people and some not so nice people but I guess that is just the way things work. In the past I have had some success with online dating as that is how I met my exwife so I figured it was worth a shot to try it again.
Dating with mental illness is a pretty neat trick and a good majority of people try to keep their current situation hidden from potential matches. This is not the way I live my life so normally by the end of the second or third conversation and way before meeting the potential mate in person I send off an email that covers my current mental situation. The reactions upon revealing really differ from the person just disappearing to others who have no difficulties with my life situation to people disclosing their own mental difficulties (which there is a lot of on this particular site).
There are days when I wonder if I would be better off just keeping my diagnosis hidden in the closet and chances are my dating life would be a lot more active but there is a part of my brain that considers this to be lying which is the wrong way to start any relationship. So I wait and hope that someone is going to take the time to see through what is written down in some doctors file and see the person that I am. Yes I do have issues but I believe I have a lot to offer for the right individual.
Another issue that I have found on a variety of dating sites is there is a lot of people who are more interested in the chase then the actual case. A good portion of people even though they say they are looking for a long term relationships prefer to date a wide assortment of people and pull away once it crosses that serious line.
Being a former mental health professional is actually helpful when it comes to online dating as I tend to see through the lines a little bit easier and basic counseling skills quickly separate who the person is and who they are trying to be. It becomes rather obvious when the same questions repeatedly bring up different response.
My style on dating sites and in life is to just lay everything on the table then let the person decide whether or not I am a potential match as I have spent way too much time discovering who I am to present a false self image. For some people this approach works but it also scares a good number of people away who are not use to someone being completely honest on the site. Mind you it could just be me and who I am that is keeping me single. Take care.
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Honesty is the best policy. I recently dated a person with BPD who didnt tell me right away. I would not have run if they had. Here is my take…
Why are they doing that? Why do they say one thing and do another? Dont people want to spend time with you if they like you? I think Im getting smoke blown up my ass. Now Im insecure. I think Im wasting my time here.
Which leads to…a confrontation or a break-up. Neither would be “acceptable” and might even be a trigger…no?
Since you are on the road to recovery you are probably going to do some “tweaky” things that wont make sense to someone that doesnt have the same issues you have I think it is best to just be upfront. You probably dont want a “runner” anyway. If I had known what was going on…I wouldnt have taken A LOT of things as personally as I did and I probably would have felt a whole lot better about the relationship in general and probably wouldnt have made as much noise about what is completely understandable in the context of BPD.
Just my take
Honesty is the way to go in my book. I really value it and think it’s great that you do as well.
Okay, so I did a post on this topic, too! http://depressionmarathon.blogspot.com/2008/02/dating.html
Depression is not exactly a selling point! I always end up telling the guys I date thru online sites, but I usually wait to do it in person. I do this because: I am not my illness. I would like the guy to meet the rest of me before he makes a snap judgement on one part of me. Have not had one negative experience so far, but it still sucks and causes lots of anxiety. Interestingly, I find more resistance and predjudice regarding the fact that I am on disability! People have more difficulty with me “living off of” disability than they do with me having a chronic, life-threatening medical condition. Gotta love the USA!
The whole “what do you do for a living” seems to be the other major downfall to my profile but oh well what can you do.
Thanks for the comments. Unfortunately honesty and dating sites do not seem to mix well