All sorts of odd thoughts have gone through my brain during the course of my life. For the longest time I could not figure out why people did what they did and how come they were unable to see the situation the way that I did. Turns out the problem was me.
A high percentage of people who meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder or another somewhat similar diagnosis will never be diagnosed. The simple reason is they do not believe anything is wrong with the way they think or their perception on life is faulty and the problems that they encounter are due to other peoples actions and not their own. It is not me it is you.
Over the course of this blog I have received emails were people can not believe that I am able to keep moving with the mental illness luggage that I carry. The only reasons I have is (A) If I don’t fight the illness will win and this is not a battle that you lose and walk away from (B) This has been my life for so long that it has become normal to me. Borderline, PTSD and Anxiety took off basically when I learned how to walk they just have grown stronger over the years as for the depression it is a genetic birthright in my family for it goes back generation after generation. If I woke up tomorrow and I was a 100% I would not know what to do and it would probably send me over the sanity edge.
This is the problem with BPD and other personality disorders as this is not a problem that started a few months ago but a situation that was created decades ago. BPD thinking: How can something that I am doing be wrong when I have been doing the same thing for the last thirty years. The way I think never changed the only element that caused problems were the people around me so it is not me it is you. If you did what I thought (and expected) you were going to do then there would not be a problem. Your the reason why my life is going the way it is so you need to go and my life will go back to normal. Your telling me I have all sorts of problems is a way of you trying to feel better about yourself by bringing me down. Thirty years with very few problems and every time it was someone else’s doing so if something was wrong with me it would have shown up a long time ago. It is not me it is you.
Most people would think that the BPD person would see the train wrecks in their past and it would be just a matter of simple arithmetic to piece it all together but that is not how the BPD brain works. Once you are able to justify a situation then that event is basically removed from memory and all that remains is the justification. When I accepted that I was ill and really started to look at past events in my life is when I realized it is not you it is me. Take care.
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every time I read your blog I feel you are writing about things my x wife has. Not divorced yet, but she married again. in the divorce case she is saying her new marriage is my fault.
I guess I have that mental disorder too.Thank you for being an inspiration.
Wow, the honesty that you put into your posts never ceases to amaze. I am familiar with what you describe as I have encountered a couple of people exactly like this. Their whole world will fall apart but they stubbornly insist that they are the only sensible person in a world of inferior fools. It is a scary concept and must be even scarier from your side when that bravado that protected you for so long begins to crack. Now that takes courage, to admit your world view is wrong and that you need to fix it. Hat’s off to you.
I too came to a point in my life when I realized that is was me. Justification and manipulation were for much of my life the only way I survived. I now know that everyone experiences ups and downs, problems at work, “bad luck”, annoying neighbors, relationship issues. I really used to believe that I was responding the way the world was forcing me too, that people who were not “train wrecks” just were not facing the same problems as me, their lives must just be easier. I really believed that the men I had relationships with were completely to blame for my “insane” reactions and anger. Even after the revelation intellectually that it was my responses not the actual events it is still a daily struggle to control my “first think”. I was diagnosed as BPD when I was 18 and 15 years later I am just beginning see that it was me. It will always be me. Not others. By the by how do you feel about Dialectical treatment. I have been recommended to a group and would value you input. I am also recovering from PTSD and really connected with your piece on Dirty Little Secret’s Blog. peace love and empathy
sueke – I have looked into DBT and even brought it up with my doctor but other then looking at a view websites I have not really jumped into it. A lot of what they teach is something I realized on my own. I know a lot of people who said it was their key to recovery then you have my psych who says its over rated (he tends to be wrong a lot). Glad you like the post over at Dirty Little Secret’s.
It takes guts to take responsibility for how you feel. And yet this is the only way you can get better. You can't change other people, only yourself. Once you acknowledge that the problem lies within you, you then have the power to actually effect change.
I wish you the absolute best in your struggles and have no doubt that you will overcome.
I knew I was doing something wrong. But I never understood what I was doing, because I had,had those same behaviours since I was an infant. Finding out that you have BPD is the answer to where you were going wrong.
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