Very few people have actually seen the real me and for those that have it did not last long. My mom has probably dealt with the real version more then anyone else as sometimes when she calls I do not have the energy to put forth the proper image so she gets the raw version. For the majority of my life I put on the face that fits the situation as I know the real me would not last for very long as this is a lesson I learned a long time ago.
The work version. This image is of a person who is in complete control and who has no doubts in his ability to do the job at hand. There is no room for emotion in this section so every decision that is made is based off of logic. Call them like I see them.
The friend/family version. People in my life know that I am fighting but they do not have a clue to what level. Every phone call, email or conversation this version always takes the glass is half full stance. The reasoning is pretty simple (A) I do not like people to worry about me (B) If the focus was constantly on my illness chances are people very quickly would disappear as who wants to hang with someone who is constantly negative and whose view on life is basically hopeless. This image is to make sure that my support system is there at some level. The problem with this version is there is a lot of comments on how well I seem to be doing and that soon I will have this war beaten which bothers me as I know how inaccurate the statements are.
The blog/forum version. This is the tricky one. The purpose of this blog is to lift the veil off of mental illness but it has to be done in a certain way. If all of my posts were from a completely negative standpoint the concentration would be on my mental status and not the message I am trying to get across. As for the forums if I was always negative who would listen to my advice when I am trying to help them for obviously I am unable to handle my own monsters. So the key is to maintain a fine line and some days I am successful and other days I am not.
The real version. I am constantly at war with the battles in my head. The switch from anger to depression occur in a heartbeat and I never know when it is going to occur. the real me is where the diagnosis are present: Borderline Personality, severe Major Depressive Disorder, Chronic PTSD and Generalized Anxiety disorder. This is the version that turns to the razor for salvation and clarity, this is the one that is constantly going at a million miles per hour searching for that final piece of the puzzle that will spell out relief, this is the version that makes all of the plans in the world to get to recovery but always fails to follow through, this is the version that can go from top of the hill to the bottom in a millisecond. I hate the real version of me and always have so I have figure out ways to keep him buried deep in the back of the closet where the only person who has access to him for the most part is me.
Every time this issue has come up someone with good intentions will always say that I need to drop all the masks and bring the real me to the surface on a full time basis which makes sense but I am too afraid of the ramifications. The majority of my “friends” left me early on into my illness and I can not take the chance of losing the rest of them. The other part is the real version scares the hell out of me as I have no idea what will happen next and the reality of knowing I am not only losing my war against health but I am getting my ass handed to me is a bitter pill to swallow. Hope is what gets me through from one day to the next the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Without hope there is nothing left so I hang on to it with all the strength in my body and I put on the proper mask to maintain it. Take care.
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omg you totally stole my journal and posted it.
I understand where you are. I have the same problem. I let too much of my SELF out to the man closest to me and it nearly broke us.
It’s just hard all around. You have my thoughts and prayers.
bulletproofsoul
I am happy that you have found a positive outlet to work through your illness. Believe me when I say that you are that much closer to freedom. Don’t stop writing, because writing will help you reveal you…keep God close.
Much love and prayers, LR.
I know exactly what you mean. I have different versions as well and over time it has been debilitating and exhausting. My biggest problem now is that my depression has found its way into my “work and outside world” version and I am very upset that I don’t have the strength to hide anymore.
You know, this post kind of reminds me of that article by Ralph Waldo Emerson called “Self Reliance.” In it, he talks about how people rely on others to define themselves, and how true peace comes from looking within. A lot a self-help books have taken that article and basically reworded it and made millions, but he’s a smart guy.
I struggled (and still am struggling to some degree) with who I was in respects to who was with me for a long time, too. I have a twin sister that I’ve always had to share everything with, so I’ve turned into a bit of an attention whore in college… (ok, not like the crazy emo kids or anything, but I like to talk to lots of strangers)
Anyway, I think this post is wiser than it seems because it applies to a deep inner conflict that most people will have to face in their life at one time or another. Keep it up, dude. Fight on.
First off, way to go
Not only on having the bravery to talk about these things in a semi-public venue, but in having the bravery to have such great insight into your own condition.
You are clearly a bright and sensitive individual who carries a lot of emotional weight around. As you know, the issues you describe run deep and surely have very good causes. A lot of times it is hard for us to recognize that the emotional situations we put ourselves in are actually adaptations to past traumas. It’s important to remember that what you’re going through is not some senseless fuckedupedness; it’s the way you figured out to cope with whatever it is that you have gone through. As someone who has spoken intimately with many people in similar emotional situations, I have no doubt at all that you could’ve done a lot worse.
It sounds like you’re struggling with the feeling of being fragmented; like your personality is spread out into a bunch of different pieces and there is no way to reconcile them with each other. Rest assured that, in fact, everyone is spread out into as many different pieces. You just happen to be acutely sensitive to the incongruencies between your parts. And this is actually a win for you; the fact that you recognize the discrepancies means you have already taken heroic strides toward integrating your personality. People who would tell you to “drop all the masks” have not yet achieved such excellent insight into the highly situational nature of the “personality” that many consider to be a stable entity.
Nonetheless, I would not discount your suffering. It is painful to feel divided, alienated–to not know who exactly to be. It sounds like you are aware that the right type of psychotherapy could be very helpful, but like many people are unsure of what type of therapy would be the right type or where to find it. I recently wrote an article on the subject that I hope you will find helpful; it’s at http://waytogogodot.com/types-of-psychotherapy/
Hang in there, and please feel free to contact me if there is anything I can do to help.
David Godot
my work face was the one that dropped last. when it did I was totally in my depression. Glad to be out of it.