A little over six year ago I went home for Christmas and my father was not feeling well but he said the doctors thought he just had a cold. Christmas eve my girlfriend at the time and I decided to go for a walk so we could grab a smoke. My father soon followed us out but I sent him back home as his cough was pretty loud and I did not want him to get even more sick. Anyway the walk did not last long as it was typical Northern Ontario weather for December so it was bloody cold. The Christmas vacation ended so my girlfriend and I returned back to our college town as school was starting back up again.
I talked to my father on the phone a number of times over the next three weeks and that damn cold of his was not going away but he said the doctors have ran the tests and the best they could figure was a slight case of pneumonia. A couple of days after I last talked to my father my mom called saying they had spent the previous night in a hospital hallway as there were no free beds. That morning they did a test on my father and discovered that he had cancer and it was terminal. I went to school that morning and talked to my teachers who understood that I needed to go home as my mom wanted me to be there when the doctor told him that he was dying. As by this point my father did not know and just believed he had pneumonia.
I drove straight to the hospital and entered my fathers room where he greeted me with a smile. He talked about how he could not believe he was back in the hospital and was not happy that his “cold” was still present. My dad said that my mom was not taking this new admission well and he wanted to make sure I knew it was my responsibility to look after my mother and sister when he was unable to do so. I just nodded my head as I couldn’t speak for my heart was in my throat. The next day my mom went to the hospital early and with the doctor told my dad that he had an aggressive form of cancer. The doctor said he probably had about six months left to live. My father did not believe him and demanded an autopsy be performed which the doctor agreed to do on Monday as it was Friday when the news was given to him.
I went into the hospital later that afternoon and my Dad had his best fighting face on and was talking about proving the doctors wrong once again. Over the years my dad had “died” four times in the course of heart attacks and during an open heart operation so needless to say my father knew how to fight. Two years prior to this event he had beaten prostate cancer. We talked about everything and anything except for the situation that he was now in. That night I told my father that I loved him and he said it back then I headed back to my parents home. During the drive I though about when was the last time I told my father that I loved him or him saying to me and I could not remember. I was raised in a fashion where as a male you keep your emotions to yourself.
On Saturday my girlfriend (who I would marry six months later) and I found my dad walking around his room with the window wide open and a fan blowing as he said that he was boiling. This is the middle of January and it was cold both outside and inside of his room. He would talk for a few minutes straight about getting back home and beating this new problem then he would not say nothing for long stretches at a time. Later that night I told my father I loved him again and kissed him which is something I had not done since I was a little boy.
That night I was mentally preparing myself how I would handle the next six months trying to figure out how I was going to get up to see him as much as possible while still working as my last college placement was due to begin shortly. I also had a small talk with God that night where I basically said if my father wants to fight then let him fight but if it was his time to make it as painless and peaceful as possible.
The next day we all went in early to see my father as I needed to head back to school. I said goodbye to my dad, told him that I loved him and that I would be back as soon as I could figure out a way. My girlfriend and I drove back to our college town. Once we were back inside of our apartment the decision was made that a shower was needed then we would figure out what to do for dinner. My girlfriend and I were in the shower for a few minutes when I felt my heart literally break and I broke down in tears. I was talking about how I did not have a dad anymore and I did not know what I was going to do. My girlfriend tried to get me to focus on the positive and the hope that things would improve for my dad. I stepped out of the shower and the phone rang. I picked up the phone and it was my mom “Sweetheart” she said “Your dad is gone”.
The doctor had told us he had six months to live and it ended up being four days. I thought of the cold he had at Christmas and wondered why the Cancer was not found then and maybe if it was recognized then they could have done something that prolonged his life. My family doctor at a later date would explain to me that the Cancer that killed my father was a type that is lying in wait then for whatever the reason it decides to attack then the game is over. The test my father had on Wednesday night/Thursday morning the cancer was in his lungs and by the time he died it was present in 90% of his organs. My fathers aunts call it “galloping cancer” as it was the same type to take my Grandmothers life at exactly the same age.
Now when a doctor tells me anything this story comes to mind and I know they were wrong before so why is this time any different. I know the reasons that conflict this theory but to be honest none of them really make a difference. Does this hamper my recovery process? It might to some degree I guess but at the same time I do not take anything my doctors tell me as gospel. Take care.
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I don’t even know what to say to this.. heartwrenching and I’m sorry for that pain you went/go through
I’d like to be a doctor one day and I think it’s very wise not to take the doctor’s word as the gospel.
6 months – 4 days? drastic difference and a painful one at that.
you know – thank you for sharing this
I just find so much more insight from the aspect of someone who’s lived life and go through things than textbooks..
I know when I experienced my loss, I felt alot of the generalizations that I would read were not true to my life
anyway.. great post and .. I’m sorry
Having worked within the medical establishment for years (in Critical Care areas) I also know that it is best to always get as much info as possible, rather than taking any doctor’s word as gospel.
I feel strongly about this, not because I don’t trust doctors, but because I know they are as human and fallible as the rest of us. Doctors can make educated guesses (based upon sophisticated tests or years of hands on experience) but they are not infallible. It is our fault if we expect them to be such.
As for your father’s passing, I’m sorry for your pain and loss but you have much to be grateful for.
Hold on to the memories you have of him, be glad you had the chance to tell him that you loved him, and especially be grateful that he did not go through many months of pain and deterioration, as my own father did. I know you wouldn’t have wanted that for him.
Thank you both for your comments.
Brennan your right in that I am grateful that his last battle was not drawn out like so many others and I am sorry your fathers battle was so difficult.
It was very difficult for me to read your post.
My wife has been diagnosed with Lung, bone, lymphatic cancers and is suffering greatly from it.
We too, want her to either beat it now, or if she can’t, then to pass painlessly and peacefully.
But, for some reason, neither of those options seem to be available to us. She is in a great deal of pain and is physically exhausted most of the time.
It’s been a very tough 2 years since her initial diagnoses but we remain hopeful that we’ll have a good ending to a difficult story.
Thanks so much for sharing your deep felt emotions. I appreciate your feelings and emotions.
Bob Cotto
http://www.4-ideal-health.com
Thanks for your comments Bob. I wish you and your wife all the best
Your dad sounds like he was one tough customer. I’m glad it didn’t drag out for the whole family’s sake.
All I can say about docs is that they practice medicine. We have to watch them and ultimately be willing to make the tough calls if we don’t have faith in what they’re telling us.
Thanks for sharing the touching story.
I was a bit younger (17) when I lost my father to the same dreaded disease and hated the medical profession for everything they did not do (in my mind). I still distrust. But that’s on me I suppose. Dad will never come back irregardless of my hate or distrust. I had a similar story..when it was found by fluke it was but half the size of a golf ball…totally treatable…blah blah blah….6 months later he was dead and although his body didn’t look it from the outside…apparently inside it was ravaged to the point that the doctor in charge said he would have never put him through the last chemo….had he known. Well, they don’t…know that is….but I gotta believe they try to know. I didn’t get it then but I’m getting a better picture now….and that is to enjoy life and loved ones because the alternative we on earth simply don’t comprehend or get.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I went through this with my dad in 1991, only with a heart attack. The doctors totally messed up everything, and sent him home saying he’d be fine, and he died at home the next day. So I understand your feelings.
I wonder though, if perhaps your father decided it was time to leave. I remember my dad the day we brought him home from the hospital. He said, “I’ve done everything I wanted to do in my life. I’m happy.” And he was gone the next day. I think sometimes people know when it’s their time. So even though it was hard to accept that he was gone, and I was angry at his doctors for their screw-ups, I had a peace about it.
I hope that you can find peace, too. Thank you for this post.
That is awful. I had a similar experience with my mom. She had suffered a terrible stroke, but doctors refused to believe it for some reason. They brushed it off and suggested it was just low blood sugar levels because she’s a diabetic. They hooked her up to an IV, fed her a banana and sent her home. I knew she wasn’t right and I had to fight for a CAT scan to get confirmation. She’s never been the same.
First of all, I express my deepest condolences to you and your family.
As for distrusting doctors, please realize that doctors do not have crystal balls just as much as meteorologists cannot predict the weather with 100% accuracy. Cancer prognoses are particularly hard to estimate. There are a myriad of factors that influence mortality (many die indirectly from cancer), but physicians make prognoses in good faith to give the patients and their families a realistic expectation of potential outcome.
Even doctors will disagree on the same case. I have witnessed world-renowned oncologists differ on the prognosis of a patient who was hospitalized for organ failure due to previously undetected tumors. One physician was optimistic; the other wasn’t. The latter was more correct when he predicted “weeks to live”; unfortunately, he was still wrong, as the patient expired in a matter of days.
The above comment is not a lecture or rebuttal of your feelings, but an appeal to sensibilities. Most doctors go into medicine to help–not hurt–people. While I cannot comment about the entire profession (there are bad seeds everywhere), I have so much respect for my medical colleagues–doctors and nurses–who continue to sacrifice their lives and families, demonstrating the utmost compassion and respect to their patients, despite the anger and vilification they often receive in return. Yes, these people exist.
I’m interested to know if the above comment is from someone in Canada.
Andy is from the USA, quick look at his blog points to somewhere in Pennsylvania