This blog is the closest thing I have to therapy in my life at the moment so I guess I should be setting goals to give a clear idea of what I am working towards.
1. The relationship with my son. This is a very long term goal that will last until I am no longer part of this world. I had a very good relationship with my father for the last five to six years of his life but before that it was a disaster. I want my child to be comfortable to come to me for anything and I never want him to question how I feel about him. This sounds like a typical parental answer but it is something I never had until I was in my twenties and my father never had with his own father so it is time that this cycle is broken
2. Swallowing of emotions. I need to stay focused on the way different events or situations effect me and deal with them when they arrive and not turn back to the old patterns of just avoiding anything troubling. To a point I am able to do some of it here but I think it is time I start journaling in a fashion that is not so public and really get to the root of every problem instead of just trying to make it go away.
3. Not accepting my situation. I need to keep fighting towards recovery and not get complacent with my situation. It is too easy to just accept my current place in life with the belief that it will never change. This is not the life that I want so I need to fight harder to get the life I want.
4. Not everything is a fight worth fighting. This is a Borderline thing as I tend to take simple comments as a personal attack which then end up going really badly. I need to make sure that I take the time to see someones actions or words from all angles to really determine where it is coming from then respond appropriately. I have come a long way with this but it needs to be extended further.
5. I need to find out why I do not like myself and change that mindset. My battle will be a lot easier if I was fighting for a life that I believed deserved to be saved and not the belief that I have now. The difficulty in this area is I am really not sure who I am. I see myself in the high perspective of BPD and everything is good then I see myself from the low perspective and nothing is good. I need to find my real self which is somewhere in the middle and learn to accept this person instead of keeping him hidden. This is going to be a neat trick but it needs to be done.
As for this blog I actually like the way it has gone so far for the most part. There have been posts which to me at least hit the nail on the head and then there have been times where I was really unsure where a post was going and spent a lot of time afterwords debating whether to keep it or not. The reality is this is very similar to my life at the moment where at one point I appear to be in complete control and the next fighting to find a rope to hand on too. A main feature of mental illness is the tides of emotions can move quickly from one extreme to the next especially when Borderline Personality is at play.
There you have it my five main goals right now. I just need to figure out a way to make sure it gets done
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Selfishly, I hope that you do continue to write your blog. I love reading your entries. Those are great goals…
They say advice, even from the wise to the wise, is a dangerous thing. My life is in at least as bad a shape as yours and I’m considerably older. Additionally, from a purely clinical perspective, your issues, if you will, are more serious than mine. Yet you carry on and have probably been doing better for longer than I have. You’re a smart guy.
The only thing I would say is break everything down. For me at least, relatively simplistic short-term goals that eventually lead to longer range goals are much more manageable. I get overwhelmed easily. Henry Ford (who may have been a bigot but was certainly smart) said something to the effect of “no job is particularly difficult if you break it down into a series of smaller jobs.” When I’m in what passes for my right mind, that approach works best for me.
Peace.
Carrie – glad to hear your enjoying this blog
Cracked – thanks for the advice.
I kno have said it before. but I admire your bravery.
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