On Healthboards.com part of the depression board is an area to tell your story so I guess others can see similar cases to their own and in some cases stories of success. This post I am going to repost three posts from that thread that I wrote at different times for I think it shows the frustration that goes with living with a mental illness. I am going to warn you they are a bit intense in some areas so if your not in a great place mentally then you should probably skip this post.
The Short Version Of My Story part one – Sept 13, 2007
What I thought this section was for I guess is wrong. I am diagnosed with severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Right now I take Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium and Temazapam. I deal with high levels of paranoia and will self harm when everything becomes to much. I had a rough childhood. All of the stresses, emotion, feelings and whatever I pushed down way inside. About five years ago my father died, my grandfather died, I graduated from college, moved to a new town, got married and started a stressfull career and I continued to push everything down and not deal with what was happening around me. I started to get sick a lot from stress and then my wife and I had a baby. About two years ago for whatever the reason my lid came off and everything came flying out. I spent two months in a mental hospital where they tried to get my meds regulated and I underwent ECT. I got out of the hospital and a few months later my wife left with our child. Its been about a year since that happen. My risk factor for suicide is way up there, I deal with suicidal ideation’s on a daily basis, it is a constant battle to get up to do anything. On a emotion basis I don’t feel anything which ends up leading to self harm. I have tried therapy but for whatever the reason they are not equipped to deal with someone like me so I stopped looking. Right now the goal is to get to tomorrow. With depression especially severe depression you have to force yourself to do everything and if you don’t the depression gets worse. I am 33 and I need to tell myself what to do like I am a child or else I will not do it. I have to tell myself to eat, to go to bed, to shower and to leave the house for part of me would never get out of the bed unless I was forced too. I am going on two years dealing with this outbreak if you will and to be honest not much has changed from the beginning. The pills make it possible to get out of bed and to fall asleep at night they are useless for everything else.
The Short Version Of My Story part two – November 5, 2007
as my nightmare continues…
I checked back into the hospital as I was in a world of hell, loss control over self harm and was just tired of it all. They try ECT again but this time I stop breathing so that option is right gone, I came off of Wellbutrin, Remeron, Effexor within a five day to week period to get ready for a new class of drug MAOI. I am also borderline which according to the doctor hinders any progress I make with the depression as my so called personality guards the gates too tightly. I want to get better and I need to get better but the system and my brain are making it very difficult. So now I am back home because I feel safer and hoping my anxiety rates will drop down as they were going through the roof. Now I am on a high dose of Seroquel a couple of times a day to slow down the voice in my head, my thought patterns and what have you until Nardil has a chance to jump in to make an effect. The nightmares are brutal, the flashbacks are intense and it seems every time I turn around a new idea of suicide jumps into my head. Who the hell did I piss off in a past life to deserve this? It has to get better because I am way beyond as low as I can go. Every time I think I am taking the right positive step it blows up in my face
The Short Version Of My Story part three – Feb 11, 2008
I guess I should update this as it has been awhile. I am approaching my third year anniversary of the time I had my nervous breakdown which led to the situation I am currently occupying. Not much has changed in the last few months Nardil I guess was working to a certain level but no where near what I had hoped for. It was stopped due to the drug interactions and my need to get some dental work done and like usual I paid dearly for that decision. I am trying to figure out whether I am actually still fighting the depression or I have resigned to the fact this is how my life will be from now on so I might as well get used to it. I still keep track of my moods to discover any patters but I am really not sure why I continue to do this. Therapy has hit a dead end as the Borderline aspect has kept all of the so called mental health professionals away as I am deemed to difficult to treat so apparently there is different levels of being mentally unwell and if you pass a certain line your pretty much outcast. I still put effort forward trying to figure out my own head and to see if I can make sense out of it as I guess from a professional standpoint I am alone in this fight. When I first became ill I thought with enough work by me and the help of local community resources it would not take long to get back to where I thought I wanted to be but close to three years later I understand my illness to a much higher degree but I am no closer to that original goal. My favorite saying as of late is severe depression is like walking on water either you force yourself to move forward or else your going to drown. Well I am moving the problem though is its in circles.
- All of the above post needless to say I was not in a happy place when I wrote them but I think they show the volume of fight I am currently in. take care
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[...] Three different posts, same story – My story over a pretty lengthy time frame before this blog [...]