A question came up in the comments in a prior post about when my illness stepped up to where it is now and I have a couple of different theories.
1. Key Losses – I lost my father and then my grandfather in a time frame of three months. Instead of talking and exploring the issues that were surrounded to the two deaths I did what I usually did when I was overwhelmed and buried everything that surrounded the events then through my self at work. Problem is when something is buried it is not dead and sometime in the future it will have to be dealt with.
2. Accepting Being Mentally Ill – I knew I was having problems but I kept pushing them away. I was barely sleeping, constantly getting sick from a variety of different physical illnesses and it was becoming harder to keep my stability level in check. I decided it was time to act and I went to my family doctor laying everything all on the table. The mistake I made is I put complete faith into the health care system and stopped fighting for my own survival. I figured I was now on medication and was being seen by a mental professional so it was now there problem and not mine. It didn’t take long for my brain to complete spin out of control and end up on a psch ward where I then realized I had to do something or else I was going to be dead. The best medial care in the world means nothing unless you are willing to fight for yourself.
3. Long Term Illness – I have been dealing with depression for as long as i can remember at a lower level and to be honest I just accepted the fact that my world would appear t be a little bit darker then others. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is another long term illness that has always been present I just did not realize what it was or capable of. The Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis may be rather new but the garbage that goes with it I have been dealing with for a long time. These areas of mental illness have always been there but they had not had the control or impact that they would later on and I guess it comes down to ignorance is bliss. What I thought was normal and had put on the back burner were not sitting there waiting for me to address them but slowly morphing into a monster that when my mind hit its weakest point would attack with full vengeance.
If I had learned how to properly express emotions and was allowed to do so from the very beginning chances are my life would be completely different at the moment. But instead I took it all in and tried to figure out a way to deal with it on my own and failed miserably. When my father and grandfather died that is the moment I should have entered counseling to deal with it instead of the way I dealt with it.
There really is no concrete reason why my life went in this direction but a combination of a lack of proper coping mechanisms, two key losses, a substantial increase in strength and the dumb notion that as a man I am capable of fighting this battle alone. I kept filling up the bottle of repressed emotions then one day the cap popped off.
A reader going by the name Polar Bear also asked a question regarding psychosis that I will attempt to address later on today but until then go visit him at his blog “Polar Bear Blog”
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- What Not To Do With The Mentally Unwell
I completely agree with you when you intimated your point:
” If I had learned how to properly express emotions and was allowed to do so from the very beginning chances are my life would be completely different at the moment.”
It is common knowledge that our childhood experiences affect immensely our over all well being (specially that of mental being). Repressed emotions are in no way helpful and more often than not, most people would rather keep mum but suffer in the long process.
I have learned a great deal from my psychiatric nursing class professor way back in college and have observed via a multitude of interactions and immersions with mentally challenged ppl during that time. Even with ppl who have no mental disorders, my rule of thumb in dealing with everybody in general is largely based on what I have learned from him. He was a very good psychiatric professor who has had years of experience in practicing his skill theoretically and clinically. Patinets loved him and really showed very good progress when he handles them. He also diligently updates himself with mental health condition researches those days. He willingly shared his experiences to us, his students, and would grab eevry opportunity there is to make us experience how it is dealing with a myriad of each handled cases. He has also ebcome a dear friend. Anyway, with that said, he left us words that would forever be etched inside of me.
” If anybody comes to you and say I HAVE A PROBLEM, consider that real.” That person,
admit it or not needs a person who can listen to. Listen well no matter how ‘small’ that problem may be to you. Remember that coping mechanisms differ from one person to the other as they are a resultant of their lives when they were kids each tasught by their elders and influenced by their environment with different techniques of coping , both adaptive and maladaptive. Be sensitve and listen. Stay away from harsh judgments. LISTEN. Use the theories well[Erik Erikson's,etc] but listen with sincere empathy.”
From then on, it has become a part of my guiding principle in dealing with people- mentally challenged or not. I still remember him saying ” There’s a thin line between genuises and craziness. There’s this ‘imaginary” blue strip present in ‘ordinary’ ppl and mentally challenged one. It’s there. It is how brekaing points are dealt with most of the time + unmet needs during the crucial stages of his childhood development.
I have derived 5 very important conclusions throughout my practice with those case immersions and have steadily brought those conclusions with me even up to now. As learned, they are crucial to each one of us ; COPING MECHANISMS, CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES ( certain unmet needs to be fulfilled at a certain age whereby if not, maladaptive behaviors starts occurring like an absentee father from a time he should be significant at a certain period in his child’s age, etc ), SELF AWARENESS, and REALITY ORIENTATION.
I hope that mentally challenged ppl be viewed with a better light …
Amazing how what you learn in your first few years can determine your mental health for the rest of your life.