Back in October of last year I was sitting in a hospital bed trying to figure out a way to get back on the road to recovery and the decision I made was to put absolutely everything down in written form then hand it over to my doctor.
The first time I took on this process I just ran through my life without giving much detail more of a glimpse through the window into my soul. The doctor was overly excited about this written material and he claimed that he learned more by reading five pages of writing then he had in the previous two plus years. I took this as a positive sign so I set out to write version two of the same story but a lot more detailed but again not the complete story. Once again the doctor responded that I was making great strides by focusing so much on the areas in my head that I was moved to write what turned out to be my complete profile or as complete as I was willing to share for there are parts of my life that I am still unable to talk or write about.
This third book broke my complete life down into sections and how I dealt or didn’t deal which each part. For an example of the intensity involved it took the section dealing with my fathers death was about a page in length but it took me three hours to write it. After I had completed this book, each day I would hand my doctor a couple of pages, my doctor said “every time you meet a new doctor or a new therapist give them this journal and the success of the relationship will be greatly improved”. My doctor then replied in his history as a doctor he had never had a patient who was able to go into their brain and analyze the way that I am able to do. This was a huge ego boost but didn’t last long for he then came back and said “this is your gift and this is your curse as your brain just can’t leave anything alone so your constantly reliving events instead of putting them to rest”. I thought about what he said then I decided to create my own treatment plan thinking no one knows my mind like I do so I am the best person to plan out the route to recovery.
I wrote out this treatment plan where I listed out all of my issues both present and historical then I wrote out a recovery solution but I made a critical mistake. At the top of my treatment plan I wrote out what I believed my diagnosis should be and what had already been confirmed. The two confirmed were severe major depressive disorder with psychotic features and post traumatic stress disorder. The two left were generalized anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder both of which my doctor agreed on a little bit too quickly. Then for some reason things began to get weird as our discussions were no longer on recovery but of me remaining stable. A week or so later I wrote out a plan of what I needed to do to get better and the doctor fully agreed then said there was no chance the hospital would be able to provide it, I asked for an intensive therapy program, so I asked to be discharged to get the help in the community and again he agreed. I saw him a month later and told him how no therapist would even let me in the door and the doctor replied this is not a surprise as you are too borderline for therapy to be effective. Which means I am untreatable in english.
The part that still bothers me is I wonder what would have happened if I had never brought up the Borderline diagnosis would it have came to the surface. Was my doctors fast reaction due to him wanting to say it earlier but didn’t for whatever the reason or did I answer a lingering question that was already on his mind. The other part is how on Thursday I am making great strides to recovery but when the Borderline diagnosis came up on Friday all of a sudden I was untreatable. Common sense just does not work when it comes to mental health apparently.
In case your wondering about the accuracy of the diagnosis I meet eight of the nine of the criteria so not only do I pass I pass with flying colors. See this past article for a breakdown of the criteria
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I diagnosed myself also. I meet all the criteria. How I wound up diagnosing myself was I was at a garage sale and looked down and saw the book “I hate you, don’t leave me.” I said to myself, “hey that sounds like me.” So I spent a quarter and bought the book. Reading the first chapter, I realized that I met all the criteria and then went to a doctor and said “I think I have borderline personality disorder.” He went over the criteria with me, and said “yep you’re right.”
How far (if at all) do you think your background as a mental health counsellor hampers your recovery? I know from my own experience as a patient that being able to trust health care practitioners to treat me and to know that they know more than me was a turning point. It must be very hard for someone who is trained in mental health.
la: I have been trying to write a post regarding your question and for whatever the reason it is just not coming out. The simple answer is it has not helped in anyway.
I agree that your former career as a mental health worker is getting in your way. You got to drop that professional ego and stop trying to do your doctors work. Sounds like your living too much in your academic head and not allowing yourself to get into feel your trauma and your mix of emotions.
Recovery is a lifetime venture.
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