I spent a good portion of today using stumbleupon to view the various self harm/self injury/self inflicted violence sites that are out there and I was left shaking my head. The advice given to use when someone in your life that uses this negative coping behavior was almost scary so I figured it was time to make a list of my own in what helps and what doesn’t.
1. Using Guilt To Get The Person To Stop – This really really does not work. What it does is sends a message to the individual who is self harming to be more careful in not getting caught the next time. I have seen too many young people who participate on forums saying “I tried to talk to my parents but all they do is make me feel guilty which makes me want to cut more”.
2. Saying “Scars last forever” – This might work on someone who has cut once or twice but it loses all of its power after that. Once you past a certain number another scar really does not matter. Personally the use of self harm in my life was done so I will not explode and don’t end up taking my own life. Don’t really care what I look like in the casket but I am trying to delay it for as long as possible.
3. Ignoring The Marks - Whether it was completely by accident or the person wanted you to see the mark take the opportunity to discuss it with the person. Keep in mind though that the focus should not be on the mark but what led to the action that created the mark.
4. Using Religion – Seen way too many forums where people ask for help and in return a person responds using a quotation from some form of religious writing. Another guilt trip using someone else’s words is still a guilt trip that will not work.
5. Not Taking It Seriously – A past post dealt with this which is located here. Whether or not the person is self harming for attention, release or suicidal intent you really do not want to take a chance. A mentally healthy person does not “cure” themselves by inflicting damage on their own body and chances are a major mental health problem is at play. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional or grab them by the ear and drag them to the local emergency room. A self harm accident usually reads suicide on the autopsy report.
6. Help The Person Create A Safety Plan – A main part of this plan should be that you will be there for the person when an urge arises and here is the important aspect you actually need to be there. When I first became sick all of my friends said anytime I needed them they were just a phone call away then apparently changed their phone numbers within a couple of months.
7. Therapy And More Therapy – Long term readers of this blog are now scratching their heads due to my relationships with therapists but when it comes to self harm therapy is very important if the goal is to stop long term. Most people who self harm A) Do not know how to express their emotions in a healthy format so they end up swallowing their pain and then use self harm to release these emotions. The purpose of therapy is to teach the basic skills needed to handle emotions in a healthy way. B) The person does not have a person in their lives who they feel safe or comfortable to really talk too as they are concerned about their image, they do not feel that the people in their life are actually listening to them and they do not want to burden someone else with their problems. A therapist can solve all of these issues by being a safe point for the person to unload on with no fear of judgment or consequence.
8. Relapses Will Happen – Just like in any other form of addiction relapses are almost normal when it comes to recovery. When a relapse happens just brush the person off and encourage them to jump back on the horse. A relapse is not a failure just another hurdle to get over. I met one lady who said she went three months then relapsed then five months then relapsed and all she could focus on was the relapses when from a different perspective she has had a eight month recovery process with two minor relapses. Focus on the positive not the negative.
9. Blaming Self Harm Behavior On Their Friends – I keep seeing too many people push self harm to the side with a comment like “Oh she/he is just trying to fit it” or “It is part of the teen subculture Emo”. Think about that for one second. Your young person is so easily influenced by friends or a cultural movement to purposely inflict damage on their bodies. A therapist might say there is self esteem issues at play and so would I and again self injury can be an indicator for a much larger problem that needs to be attended too.
10. The Earlier It Is Caught The Easier It Is Stopped – Self injury tends to start with a major crisis in the persons life but it very quickly becomes the preferred method to any sort of problem large or small. Some people come home from work an grab a drink to unwind I use to grab a razor for the same reason. Catch the problem when it is small and the chances of recovery are significantly higher.
The reason I never use the term “Self Mutilation” for that brings up an image of a drunk teenager writing their girlfriends name on their body with a razor then dumping ink over it to create a home style tattoo. As for your other questions I have been cutting off and on for two decades, it has been around four months since the last time and I have too many scars to count.
Incoming search terms:
- my girlfriend self harms
- my girlfriend self harms and is suicidal
- my girlfriend self harms what do i do?
- things to say to someone that self harms
- what should i do about my girlfriend self harming
Related posts:
- Helping Someone Who Self Harm
- Helping Someone With Mental Illness
- Self Harm Awareness Day March 1 2009
- A Beef – Self Harm Pictures
- Self Harm Self Mutilation Self Injury Self Violence
- Self Harm Awareness Day
- Hidden Marks
- The Worst Part Of Self Harm
- Tuesday Doctor Visit
- Self Harm Scenarios – Trigger Warning
Your post is insightful and well written – thank you for visiting my site – I just wish you had added more to your comment – your words are valuable and should be read – feel free to return and include a link to your post if you wish – even if you disagree with what my post says – the general problem of self harm has been hidden for too long.
cheers
les
http://www.just4families.com
Very insightful and assistive! I have not had to experience this personally in my own family or life, but will take to heart the advice in the event I ever do need it! Thanks fro posting!
I would add to your list – don’t say what my mother said to me when she saw cuts on my (teenage) arm, “Don’t do that. Only people who’ve been sexually abused do that. People will think you’ve been sexually abused.”
Not. Very. Helpful.
la: that is pretty bad. I have heard from others their parents have used (1) How does that make me look (2) People are going to look at our family funny now (3) Are you trying to make me feel guilty.
The first time I was caught a doctor gave me one hell of a guilt ridden lecture. Eighteen years later I admitted to another doctor I had a problem
A very thorough (and very valuable) list! I’ve been told – by my parents – that at times they’ve chosen not to say anything about the marks on my arms simply because they didn’t know what to say!
As for taking it (acts of self-harm) seriously, I’m curious to know what your thoughts are on how therapists should respond when a patient admits to having self-harmed? It’s been my experience that some therapists believe that giving too much attention to acts of self-harm only serves to reinforce the behavior (not so sure I agree).
Looking forward to reading more of your blog! You can visit me at:
http://talesfromtreatment.blogspot.com/
My mum was a social worker so I think she’d only ever come across self-harm in the context of sexual abuse – it was the first thing that popped into her head and probably she regretted saying it later. She made a few attempts to talk about it in years to come but, sadly, because of her first reaction I closed up like a clam whenever she brought it up.
It’s tough being a parent.
Congrats on having stopped for four months!
I have stopped for about four years now. At times it is easy, other times it takes all the concentration and will i have to get through the day.
My mom knew I had cut in middle school and ignored it, so it never stopped. I cut and burned myself to cope with her. She thought i was just “experimenting”.
I moved out of my mom’s house and stopped hurting myself. I told my new boyfriend that I had cut myself before we met. He was respectful and asked me when i had stopped. I told him about a year ago, so he took me out for a slice of chocolate cake to celebrate. It felt so good to have someone be that proud of me.
Thank you all for the nice comments and don’t forget March 1st is Self Harm awareness day.
I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog. I’ll be bookmarking it.
My girlfriend of 2 years (best friend for 3) has injured for between 7-8 years, recently going several months (as far as I can tell) between relapses. She went to a treatment program a few years ago. It seems like it really helped her, but she still talks about how she gets urges a lot, usually at night after a stressful or really busy day.
I’m happy to say that I’ve avoided the negative tactics in your list when trying to help her. I suggested that she try therapy one time that she felt really bad, but she said that the therapists she’s had were accusing and didn’t really understand how she felt. Is this a common feeling for someone with a mental illness? (I understand this is a generality.)
It’s a shame that so many people don’t understand self-harm, and reduce it to something that “emo-teenagers looking for attention” do, and often turn it into a joke.
I’ll try to find a way to introduce this blog to her in case she’s interested in reading it. Hopefully she can find something helpful.
Thanks again for the info.
I have been through four therapists in the last three years. Three of them refused to treat me once they found out I self harmed. Unfortunately this is not that unusual.
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