I have had a sore tooth for a while now that has become more and more painful as times has gone by so I did what I thought was the logical step which was to find a dentist that would treat me which is not as easy as it sounds for a lot of dental “professionals” will not treat people on ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) for they do not get paid as much. Anyway I found a dental clinic that would see me and I showed up for my appointment while I was there I informed the dental hygienist that I was taking Nardil, a drug that turns out they were not familiar with. I explained that the wrong drug interaction could cause a spike in my blood pressure with the possibility of setting off a stroke, the lady excused her self then returned ten minutes later saying they were unable to treat me as they were not familiar with this med so they could not take the chance. What they wanted me to do was call my doctor who is in charge of my meds then explain to him the situation where I need major work done and then he is to call the dental clinic which will then follow his orders regarding the med. I called my doctor once I arrived back home but as my luck would have it he was not there so I detailed the message to the receptionist who promised to pass it on tomorrow when he was back in the office. The thing with Nardil is that it takes two weeks to clear your blood once you stop taking it then it is okay for other drugs to be used so I took the logical step and stopped taking it to speed up the process ….. without the consent of my doctor. So technically I am not taking anything for my depression at the moment so the next couple of weeks or so are going to be really interesting but I doubt in a very pleasurable way. There is a chance I will not be effected what so ever by the loss of this med and there is a chance the lack of an antidepressant will send me screaming to the edge of sanity. I am wondering what my doctor will say if he calls me tomorrow and I wonder if his options are pointing at another hospitalization as that is one of the main reasons for my last admission as he does not feel that I am safe in the community without an antidepressant but maybe his viewpoint has changed in the last few months plus I am still on Seroquel through out the day and Temazapam at night so I still have some chemical assistance.

I have very little respect for my own safety or anything that happens to me most days so I tend to make decisions that support this. Right now all I can see is getting the dental work done to make the pain go away and since they are there they can take the majority of my teeth as well for any work they do will just have the band aid effect so might as well go straight to the denture option. I know I am putting myself in harms way by coming off a med in the fashion that I have but that does not mean much as that darn tooth that is making my life unpleasant. I will worry about tomorrow when I get there right now all that counts is today which is such a Borderline statement which I recognize but I can not argue against at the moment. The part of my brain that thinks long term is thinking your doctors appointment was moved up by a week and a half and when I am there the doctor will say what to do then I need to spend two weeks after that to clean my blood so I am looking at mid to late March before I go back to the dentist, the other part of my brain that Borderline fuels is saying your tooth hurts today and it is going to keep hurting until it is treated so the sooner the better which is apparently all the logic I need to stop taking Nardil. The few people that I have told and know me well are more then a little bit concerned and if the past is any sort of measuring stick they have every right but like I said the only thing that matters to me is that my tooth hurts and I want it to stop if it means a trip back through hell then so be it as long as my mouth feels fine.

Nurses and therapists would talk about suicide with me then are taken a back when I speak of it with no emotion and without blinking. Suicide means nothing to me for most days I do not believe my life is worth saving or fighting for. The reasons I continue to breathe is I worry about how it is going to effect other people in my life and most importantly my child. I know that parents who commit suicide are setting up their children for a basket full of mental issues and more then likely there life will end in similar fashion so for this reason alone I continue to fight but I don’t go to war for myself but to make sure that my child does not have too. People believe when you are borderline you are incapable of love which is utter horse crap along with most of the theories that society believe but I am willing to live in a constant hell where I fight for every square inch so not to effect my child’s life in a negative fashion and if that is not love then I don’t have a clue what is.

Am I doing the right thing by yanking on of my meds? Ah probably not and I will end up paying for it again but that is pretty typical of my life. I would love to see tomorrow but today keeps getting in the way.

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