Yep I am a cutter well technically I am a cutter in recovery.

Trying to pinpoint the exact time I started this dangerous behavior is not easy but I do know it has been part of my life for twenty odd years. The first time I purposely tried to cause harm to my body I was seven or eight and I had grabbed an eraser then continued to rub it against my skin till a mark would appear. People in my life at the time kept saying I was bad then kick my ass so I figured if I would punish myself then it would make me good then people would leave me alone. Great theory but like I said I was eight or so.

When I was twelve or thirteen I think I tried to kill myself. I could not take the inner turmoil and the outside world that just seemed to be in place to destroy me so I made the decision to end it all. Obviously it did not happen but during the process of cutting my wrists open I realized as the blood spilled out of my body I felt better and a cutter was born.

Days when I am at my peak and I can not come up with a way to release all of the emotion that has built up inside my first logical thought is to grab the blade to let it all come out. The scary part is it works way to well but the problem becomes the self harm approach soon becomes the number one coping mechanism that I have that I would turn to way to quick. Some people grab a drink or exercise after work to relax and I grab a sharp object go figure but it accomplishes the same thing.

Self harm for the most part has nothing to do with suicide if anything it is a method that prevents it and trust me that cutting has saved my life way too often. The problem is when you cut when you have little control it becomes too easy too go to far and a cutting session has just turned into a suicide without the intent. Cutting sessions where you black out in the middle and when you come around your body is laced with scars that are way too deep are a little bit on the scary side. My body is covered in scars but it is very easy to tell which ones took place when I had no control.

The other part of self harm that comes to mind is tolerance which is very similar to what drug users experience. After a while you need to increase the damage you do to yourself to get the effect that you are looking for. At the end of a cutting session that lasted over a year I found myself thinking that if I took a hammer and used it on my hand I would feel better as pain is a lot easier to handle then the confusion that is clouding my brain. Thankfully instead of going through with it I managed to scare the hell out of myself which ended the cutting behavior for almost four months until I went back to the blade. The night before my doctors appointment I blacked out during a session and destroyed my arm the next day I walked into the medical office and pulled up my sleeve then simply said “I am out of control. I need help” two hours later I was on the psych floor of the local hospital. I cut or caused damage to my body every single day while I was on the ward, which is what I did at my first admission a couple of years prior, until a new drug was introduced called Seroquel. Seroquel prevents my brain from speeding basically it is a cruise control for my mind for when I get going to quick the only way I know how to slow it down is by the blade. It has been three months since the last time I left a mark on my body which I am rather proud of but I also know if the med quits working on Monday chances are I will be cutting by Wednesday as I still do not have the coping mechanisms in place to handle a difficult situation in a healthy way.

One of the first questions the medical and therapeutic community ask is about suicide attempts which is a fuzzy area in my life. If you are counting the times where I purposely tried to take my own life the number is small but if you include the times when I cut and came way to close to the edge then the number is pretty scary. Self harm has been in place for me to release emotions and keep control of my life but it is also a very slippery slope which makes it to easy to go to far which would end the game on a permanent basis.

The new term for self harm or self injury is self inflicted violence what it should be called is a personal release valve for that is the purpose behind it. People think that the majority of people who take part of this behavior are seeking attention which is false as the majority of us go through great lengths not to be discovered. I have been “caught” once in twenty years and that includes over three months on a psychiatric unit where the staff knew I engaged in this type of behavior. A lot of times when someone shows you their scars or marks they are asking for help to stop not looking for attention.

There are too many sites on the web that promotes self harm which is such a dangerous slope as we should be teaching how to come up with new healthy coping mechanisms and not a behavior where when accidents happen people die then their cause of death is listed as suicide.

Other Things To Do Than Self Harm

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Related posts:

1. The Problem With Scars
2. Self Harm Self Mutilation Self Injury Self Violence
3. A Beef – Self Harm Pictures
4. Self Harm Awareness Day March 1 2009
5. Self Harm Awareness Day
6. Self Harm Scenarios – Trigger Warning
7. The Worst Part Of Self Harm
8. Dealing With Self Harm Thoughts
9. Pain And Self Harm
10. Self Harm Awareness Day Continued