Every hospital is unique in one way or another so one persons experience really does not cover all of the bases. That being said what they do have in common is you will be bored out of your mind if you stay there long enough, egomaniac nurses who believe they are more knowledgeable then your doctors (some are mind you), fellow patients who you wonder why they are there and hope they stay the heck away from you.

I spent two months in the hospital a couple of years ago after Paxil put me into a nasty place where psychotic behaviors were the norm. Ever vision your own death that was so realistic that you swore you were dead so you had to hide so the angel of death would not find you? Yeah you get the picture. My self harm behavior at the time had reached scary levels, suicidal thoughts were kicking my butt so basically my life was out of control so I agreed to be admitted into a stand alone mental hospital. This hospital had four floors , the main floor is where all of the doctors offices and the administration offices, the top floor was a higher security floor which a patient was isolated too, the third floor was for those under eighteen and the second floor was an adult mental ward. High security floor is where everyone starts then based off your risk factor or doctors orders your then moved down to the second. I spent maybe an hour and a half on the secure floor as my doctor knows my anxiety gets set off I am in big trouble so he had me moved quickly to the second which is a lot less stressful.

The second floor had maybe thirty rooms where the majority had four beds in them. The average client was there for depression with a handful of patients with the Bipolar diagnosis and a couple of higher end mental illnesses. While I was in this hospital I underwent three therapy sessions a week with a woman who is still the best mental professional I have ever dealt with. There were little group activities like Bingo and crafts during the week but on the weekend there was very little going on as a high number of the patients went home for the weekend. The nurses varied from being really caring to you never knew they were there. When a problem arose I had to look at the staff and determine whether or not I trusted the nurse enough to tell her and a lot of time I ended up dealing with the problem on my own ….. with a razor. I was there partly due to my self harm behavior and I was able to cut every single day in the hospital which is not a good thing and was never questioned about it. I saw a doctor I think every day through out the week but I can not even remember his name so I some how doubt he was very helpful. During this first hospital stay I had my first sessions with ECT or Electro Convulsive Therapy (which I will cover in another post in the next few days) so my memory is a bit sketchy on details. I remember the food was actually really good as the hospital ran their own kitchen at the time which has since been changed. At the end of the two months I was so sick of the enviroment that I was in that I found a floater doctor and ran a game on him which led to my discharge and really pissed off my own doctor. When I entered the hospital I was on two meds Paxil and Trazadone for sleep by the time I was discharged I was on Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium, Zyprexa and either Trazadone or Temazapam for sleep. They did not cure me nor did it really make a difference what they did was over medicate me. The experience overall was a waste of time.

The next time I entered the hospital it was for a lot of the same reasons as the first time but also I needed to go on a new drug which meant I needed to be off of everything for a couple weeks before hand so I did not have a stroke. This mental ward was located at the main hospital so for one it was a lot smaller and two every single type of mental illness was present. I believe there were between twenty two to twenty five beds. The other big difference was that at least half of the patients would only be there for three days to a week before being replaced by someone new. Part of this is due to legislation which gives the doctors the right to hold a person for seventy two hours if they deem the person is a risk to themselves or others at the end of the three days if they can not declare the person a risk then the person goes home. This particular mental ward is meant for short term acute mental problems but do to bed shortages in other area facilities so some of us where there for a while, I was just over a month when I forced my discharge. Again the experience for a particular day depended almost solely on who was working which is not a good thing but it is expected. I was deemed a very difficult patient for I just would not nod my head to a nurses order but asked for an explanation on why, some of them took this personally. While I was there I counseled a number of different patients just because they could not get their doctor or nurse to help them so once people found out what I do or did for a living they would come to me for an explanation or help which right pissed off certain nurses, the funny part is my doctor encouraged it and had no problems with it as he knows me and my background. So I went to work on a number of fellow patients and helped them see the light at the end of the depression tunnel. A nurse who was having a bad day told me I had no right and was not in the proper mental status to help anyone ….. she caught me in a Borderline state of mind so the reply she received was along the lines of “If you did your job properly then there would be no need for me to help others” she never talked to me again after that which is probably a good thing. A big problem I had with this stay is the reason I was there was to start this new diet that comes with a pretty specific diet for two weeks I asked a hundred and one questions to make sure I was ready for it and to remind the staff that it was coming but the day the med was started they dropped the ball and the hospital was no where near prepared. For a week all I ate or seem to eat was roast beef, potato’s and either corn or peas which was not all that good the first time around let alone the seventh. Therapy showed up about three times in the month that I was there so nothing was being resolved. I created a plan that stated what I needed was long term therapy with someone or a facility that is consistent with staff being aware of Borderline Personality Disorder so I would not be able to slide back into this mind frame easily. My doctor thought it was a great idea and admitted the hospital could not provide the resources that I needed to get better so I asked to be discharged immediately. I tried to find therapy in the community with no luck and went to my next appointment with the same doctor who agreed with my plan who did a 180 and said therapy would not work for me as I am too borderline so I am basically untreatable. This pretty much sums up this hospital stay a whole lot of messages pointing one way but the second they are called upon it quickly disappears. The best part of this stay is I discovered Seroquel which led to me stopping my self harm behavior as up to that point I was still cutting every day even though they constantly asked questions and had weekly room checks …. I stood there watching a search with a small grin on my face as I knew they would never find the razor as it was in my sock on my foot. Silly people who did they think they were dealing with. The odd thing about this hospital is that they had security from Monday to Friday but nothing on weekends as apparently crazy people do not act crazy when the weekends hit

So overall my two hospital stays that totaled over three months accomplished very little if nothing at all. I have told my doctor I will never agree to another hospital stay in the area on a volunteer basis as I really do not see the point. I had a very bad day and wrote a note that pretty much indicated I was going to kill myself then dropped it on the nurse’s desk while most of them watched, two days later my doctor asked if I had written the note to which I replied yes and that was the first time it had be brought up, my little boys face going through my brain is the only reason I stopped and the damage that I caused my body that day took weeks to heal which pretty much speaks for itself on my experiences with hospitalization.

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